Lori's Rambling

Today, after dropping Jaelyn off for a sleepover, I drove to the cemetery.  It was the first time that I have been there this Christmas season since the laying of the wreaths.  It was absolutely beautiful.   As I parked in front of the section where Scott is buried, I noticed that there were a few other people scattered throughout that section.  One couple was standing in front of a stone in the general vicinity of Scott’s grave.  It often takes me a few minutes to find Scott’s grave each time as every time I go, there are more graves added in his section.  As I began walking slowly back toward where I thought Scott’s grave was, I hesitated a little, not wanting to disturb this couple’s privacy.  Yet as I drew near I heard the most beautiful sound.  The gentleman of the couple was singing an absolutely beautiful and touching song.  His voice was deep and clear, ringing out over the graves.  He sang as if he was standing on a stage, not quiet and afraid of being heard, but singing

I have been debating writing this post for about 24 hours, as I don’t want to turn the focus to me or take the focus away from grieving for my uncle.   While my uncle’s death was not unexpected after an eighteen month-long battle with pancreatic cancer, the impact of hearing the news from my mom felt like ripping a scab off of a scar.  I have had many crying spells since hearing the news.  My mom and I had discussed this type of situation when Scott died, that she felt like they were not only grieving Scott’s death, but grieving all over again for my brother’s death ten years earlier.  I understood what she was saying, even though my thoughts and grief were all with Scott’s death.  Yesterday I fully understood what she meant.   As I shared with a friend last night, I believe that my uncle’s death exposed those raw feelings that I was too numb to feel at the time of Scott’s death.  This is the first funeral of a family member or friend since Scott’s death.   I am concerned abou

As I was checking headlines on Yahoo tonight, Jaelyn was looking over my shoulder.  She was looking at the topic links running down the left side of the website.  Her eyes stopped at a particular topic and she told me that I needed to click on that one.  That one just happened to be two hearts with the title “dating.”  Jaelyn asked me if I was ever going to date.  Caught a little bit off guard, it took me a moment to respond.  I answered, that I thought that I might, but wasn’t at the moment.  Jaelyn responded that two of her friends keep asking her when her mommy was going to start dating.  Curious, I asked her if she wanted me to date.  She shrugged her shoulders and answered that she didn’t know.  I asked her if she didn’t want me to date.  Again, she shrugged her shoulders and answered that she didn’t know. I realized that this is probably a difficult question for her to answer as she doesn’t know what dating someone would look like for her and I.  It is rather interesting to

I started a new devotional book today – A Daily Woman’s Devotional.  Today’s devotional was on encouragement.  Hebrews 3:13 – “Encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today.”  A few things really caught my attention as I was reading it. Encouragement is fuel for the soul.  God puts us in places and situations with people whose lives we can impact with the simplest of phrases.  Don’t miss the opportunity. One of the thought provoking questions at the end asked, “who has been an encouragement to you?”  “Have you let them know?”  These questions started me thinking over the past sixteen months in particular since Scott’s death.  There have been so many people who have been an encouragement to me.  I have tried to let you know if you have been an encouragement with a timely word or thought, but I know that I have missed thanking many people.   There have been many times when a simple word or thought shared gave me the strength to keep pushing forward.  There

Tonight I picked up a book that I had read many years ago, before Jaelyn was born –“Things Unseen” by Mark Buchanan.  If there is one longing that death has placed in me, it is to be more heavenly minded.  There is a stronger desire for heaven when a loved one is there.  A few passages in the book caught my attention in the first two chapters that I read tonight. “Heavenly-mindedness is sanity.  It allows us to endure life’s agonies without despair.  It allows us to see things from the widest possible perspective and in the truest possible proportions.” I cannot begin to imagine the despair and depression that I would have without the hope of heaven.  This life would feel so pointless without the hope and promise of something better. “Our deepest instinct is heaven.  Heaven is the ache in our bones, the splinter in our heart.  Like the whisper of faraway waves we hear crashing in the whorls of a conch shell, the music of heaven echoes, faint, elusive, haunting, beneath and withi

Tonight I felt pulled to go back and read what I had blogged a year ago.  The post from December 2, 2012 was about sneaker waves.  I recently read a story online about a couple and their son on the west coast that were swept away by “sneaker” waves while trying to save their dog from the waves.  I had never heard of “sneaker” waves before, but when I read the description of them, it struck me how much like grief they are.  When I am at the beach I enjoy walking along the edge of where the waves break on the beach.  Sneaker waves are huge waves that come seemingly out of nowhere and engulf and swallow anything in its path.  The beach on which this family was walking had warnings posted about sneaker waves and not to walk too close to where the waves break on shore due to the danger of being caught off guard and swept out to sea.  I see grief very much as walking along the edge of where the waves break onto the beach, with the waves washing over your feet and ankles – making it more

  Last Sunday, before church, as we were waiting for my mom to pick Jaelyn up for church (I didn’t go because of a migraine), Jaelyn was working on memorizing a scripture for Sunday School.  The verse that she was working on was Romans 8:28 – “All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called according to His purposes.”  I asked her if she knew what the verse meant, knowing that if she understood it, it would be easier to memorize.  She wasn’t sure what it meant.  I shared how this is a verse that had been shared with me frequently since Daddy’s death.  Jaelyn asked why.  I explained that it talks about how even though Daddy’s death was difficult and we may never understand why he had to die so young, God will bring good out of it because we love Him.  I explained that this didn’t mean that Daddy had to die for good to happen, but that God can bring good out of bad things.  This conversation had me thinking about the good things that God has brought abou

  Today I decided to tackle a project that I have put off, over and over again in the last fifteen months.  I have been thinking about it off and on for about a month.   The bins were at the old house until a few months ago when I needed to move them so the old house could be rented.  I had my dad put them in the middle of the garage, thinking that this would push me to go through them in order to be able to put my car in the garage at night.  Needless to say, this wasn’t successful.  I realized that I wasn’t ready to go through the bins and rearranged the garage to accommodate the bins and my car.  Every time I would look at the bins, I would feel overwhelmed and mentally push the project aside for another time. I’m not sure what pushed me to finally tackle the project today.  Quite honestly I surprised myself that I was ready to face it, as I have been struggling lately – just feeling down.  I started with three different piles – save for t-shirt quilt, pass on, and throw away.  As

  As many of you know, I have been wearing Scott’s wedding ring since his death.  I find great comfort in having and wearing it.  I have not been able to wear my wedding rings for many years due to weight changes and needing it resized.  I felt a deep need right after Scott’s death for that connection and in the past fifteen months his ring has rarely left my hand.  Lately I have found myself thinking about his ring.  It is comforting to feel the warmth and smoothness between my fingers when I am thinking about him or stressed out.  I would often spin it on Scott’s finger when we held hands or were sitting and talking or watching TV.  Now I find myself spinning it on my finger. Although fifteen months has gone by since Scott’s death, I find myself thinking about him more and more.  I thought that this grief journey would get easier after the first year and yet it hasn’t.   In the first year, the pain was often quite intense and overwhelming.  Now, entering the second year, the pain

  Today, while avoiding cleaning by organizing and decluttering, I came across the sign-in book from Scott’s viewing and funeral, as well as laminated copies of his obituary. I don’t know if I will ever get use to seeing it in black and white.  I know that I write about Scott’s death and our grief journey frequently, but there is just something heart wrenching about seeing it in print from a newspaper and in the Funeral binder from the funeral home.  As I sat reading through the names of everyone who came to the viewing and/or funeral, there were many names of people that I don’t remember talking to at the time.  I know that I talked to a lot of people, many I didn’t/don’t know that were connected to Scott or his family.  But there are family members from my side of the family that I don’t remember talking to.   It is all a blur really.  I wish I could remember all the conversations from those two days with all the people who loved Scott and/or his/our family. I also found (and put

  I’ve had some random thoughts floating through my head over the past couple of days.   Saturday morning was a rough morning with Jaelyn being cranky and grumpy for no apparent reason.  If I truly got to the root of the problem, it was that she didn’t want to go shopping with me that morning.  It was then that I really got angry in my spirit – not outwardly.  Outwardly I remained calm and reminded her that since Daddy’s death, I am the only one to take care of shopping, cleaning, etc.  This means that she is going to have to go with me to do things she doesn’t enjoy, that this is just the way life is right now.  Inwardly I felt like joining in her temper tantrum and screaming and crying, “This isn’t fair!”  I am angry at the situation, but because Scott’s death wasn’t anyone’s fault, there is no where to place that anger.   I have found myself getting angry over the situation more often than I have over the past fourteen months.  I’m not sure if it is because I am getting past the po

  Working on Jaelyn’s birthday party planning tonight brought mixed emotions.  This is her second birthday without her daddy.  The special days are the days when I wonder if the pain at these times will ever lessen.  I find myself sitting and crying over our loss which I haven’t done in a while.   Don’t get me wrong though – no tears does not equal no pain.  The grief is a constant dull throb, with moments of sharp stabbing pain.   Thankfully the moments of sharp stabbing grief are not as frequent as they were a year ago.  There is not a day that goes by that we don’t think about Scott and talk about Scott – often with laughter, sometimes with tears, and occasionally with laughter and tears combined.  Scott left us with many happy, funny, and special memories. Every time we take a trip to the cabin with my parents, we talk about Scott and memories that we experienced with him at the cabin.  When we were riding the bike trail yesterday and finding porcupine after porcupine, I kept thi

  About a year ago I bought my first Origami Owl necklace.  A friend of mine started selling them last fall, just after Scott’s death.  When I followed her link to the website, what I saw intrigued me.  It was a unique piece of jewelry that I could personalize in memory of Scott for a reasonable amount of money.  I had never heard of Origami Owl before that.  Even the name, Living Locket, was meaningful, as the charms that I chose for it represented Scott’s life and death.  The locket was beautiful when it arrived and I have worn it frequently over the past year.  Every time I wore the locket I would have comments and questions about it.  It allowed me to talk about my story and what each charm in the locket stood for.  Jaelyn would frequently ask me if she could get one.  I hesitated for the longest time, concerned whether she would take care of it.  A few months ago I made the decision that I would get Jaelyn her own Origami Owl Living Locket in memory of her daddy.  She picked ou

  There aren’t many things more beautiful and awe-inspiring than sitting in the Veteran’s Memorial at Indiantown Gap National Cemetery, feeling the warm sun on my head, blue sky above me scattered with white clouds, listening to the water cascading in the fountains and the chimes echoing “Have Thine Own Way, Lord” out over the cemetery. “Have thine own way, Lord, have thine own way.”  How hard that is to pray.  Sometimes I think we sing these words so easily, never imagining what those words might actually mean for our own lives.  As we discussed in Bible Study on Sunday, following God’s direction for our lives does not promise an easy and smooth path.  A rough and challenging path does not mean we aren’t following God or hearing Him correctly.  It may mean we need to hold onto His hand more tightly and rely on Him more fully.  If the path God called us to was easy, we wouldn’t need God.  I’m not saying that God is sadistic and manipulative, making things challenging for us simply so

  I spent this evening, with my parent’s help, sorting through what probably amounted to about four filing cabinet’s worth of notebooks, papers, bank statements, financial records, and keepsakes that have been stored in our garage for years.  Most of the paperwork was dated prior to Jaelyn’s birth, so that gives you an idea of what kind of pack rats that Scott and I were – mostly Scott, although I had my share of stuff too.  I don’t think Scott ever threw away a pay stub, bank statement, notebook, or scrap of paper.  I learned that oil was $1.49 a gallon in 2004 when Jaelyn was born – contrast that with over $3/gallon now.  I found  what appears to be every single paper I ever wrote in college – I’m sure that there are a few missing, but probably not too many.  There were stacks upon stacks of genealogy information from my family and Scott’s family too.  Old photos stuck in here and there, when we both looked much younger – I was much thinner and Scott had a lot of hair!  It was like

    I found this quote on Pinterest tonight and it really caught my attention.  I think because grief is so painful and difficult the tendency is to focus on "getting through it."  What really hit me when I read this quote tonight was the reality that there cannot be a goal to "get through it and move on."  Rather it is taking the time to experience the grief and allow it to change you.  Grief is going to change you regardless of what you do; however, how you experience grief affects how it changes you.  If I had chosen to stuff my grief down inside me and not allowed myself to experience emotions, I would have deadened emotions as if I allowed any emotions it would cause all the stuffed ones to come exploding out.  I have learned that expressing those emotions and facing them has made me more sensitive to others, especially others in the grief journey.   My prayer is that this grief journey changes me in positive ways.  In time grief will have become a part

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11   I came across this verse tonight while reading through a book on the journey through grief.     I have been doing a lot of thinking since passing the year mark of Scott’s death.   I have felt the pull of despair and discouragement harder in the last couple of weeks than I have in a little while.   I believe that my focus over the past year was moving forward day by day with a subconscious goal of making it through the first year.   Since “making it through the first year” I have felt like I am wandering aimlessly.   Any time I think of the future I feel down again, as reality hits hard that my partner, my spouse, my best friend is not part of that future.   It seems blank and I have no vision for what the future will look like.   Right now that is a depressing feeling.   When I read the verse above tonight – a verse that

It is 3:30 in the morning and I can't sleep.  My stomach is churning and my mind won't stop.  A year ago right now I was sitting in a trauma room at the hospital looking at Scott's lifeless body, surrounded by stunned family.  If there was ever a time in my life that I wanted to run from life and avoid the pain, it was that moment.  Feeling overwhelmed, not sure of the next step, but knowing that life as Jaelyn and I knew it was gone forever and not knowing what the future would hold.  It felt like falling off the side of a cliff and not knowing how far the fall would be, but everything was in slow motion, feeling like it was going on forever. I'm trying not to rehash everything that happened a year ago, but rather focus on how far we have come.  And when I look back, I see how far we have come.  To hear Jaelyn giggle and laugh spontaneously brings tears to the eyes.  She was such a somber little girl for so long, yet she is moving forward also.  Jaelyn still misses h

Today, for some reason, my thoughts are just flowing out of me.  Yet I cannot stop thinking about a conversation that I had with a friend yesterday.  I was talking about how busy things had been in my personal life recently.  Her immediate thought was that I had met someone special.  I remember sitting in stunned silence for a moment that this was her first thought. As we approach a year tomorrow, I have thought about how I will know when I am ready to stop wearing Scott's wedding ring and be open to moving forward to that step.  That is a question I don't have an answer for right now.  I figure that when I have that answer, then I am probably ready to let go.  I cannot comprehend a year ever being enough time, yet I would never judge someone else's grief journey if they reach that point before a year.  I have often told  people that if God has another special man in His plan for me at some point, He is going to have to drop him in my lap. Any guy in the future would h

A year ago today, you were still with us.  The possibility of you being gone the next day never crossed our thinking.  In such a short amount of time our world came crashing down around us.  There is still shock and disbelief that you are gone.  Yet, we are moving forward.  We remember you constantly and miss your smile, crazy sense of humor, zany sense of adventure, spontaneity, and love and loyalty toward your family and friends.  You never hesitated to find a way to help a friend in need, without need or desire for recognition, often helping anonymously.  We miss you so much and you have changed all of us for the better for having known you and been loved by you.  We dreamed of a long life together, but God had other plans.  I still struggle to see a reason and a purpose from your death.  I realize that I may never see that until I see things from that side of heaven.  I am thankful that there is no pain and sadness in heaven, that you can see the whole picture and how God will

Today has been a physically exhausting day.  I believe it is the adrenaline crash after the excitement and stress of Shadow's sudden illness last night.  When Jaelyn and I got home last night and found Shadow so impaired, I feared the worse.  I wasn't sure what was wrong, but was sure that we were facing the end for her.  All I kept thinking was, "God, haven't we had enough, isn't it bad enough that we lost Scott and now when we are preparing ourselves for the challenge of facing the anniversary of Scott's death, we have to face losing Shadow."  I have to admit that it was the angriest I have found myself in this grief journey.  Before my dad and I left to take Shadow to the vet last night I prepared Jaelyn for the possibility that as serious as Shadow's condition looked, Shadow may not be coming back home.  While we have talked in general terms about Shadow getting older and not having many more years left, when the reality of possibly losing Shadow

Moving on – this a phrase that is heard often in the grief journey – most often from well-meaning people encouraging you to move forward out of sadness and grief.   Yet, for someone in the middle of the grief journey it is difficult to define what this means and looks like.   This week I found a quote that I really liked and shared it on Facebook:   My uncle commented with a thought from his son-in-law who went through his own grief journey with the loss of his wife (my cousin) at a young age, just eight years ago.   That thought has been ringing through my head since I read it yesterday.   The absolute truth in the thought is such a perfect definition of moving on.   "To move on didn't mean I packed up my memories of Crystal and then looked back at them as I moved forward. Instead, I packed up the memories and took them with me as I began to move ahead." – Dave Kline Moving on doesn’t mean putting those memories behind us and remembering them occasio

As the year mark approaches I find myself frequently replaying different memories from Scott's death and the aftermath.  What I remember so clearly are the emotions and numbness flooding my mind and body at the time.  I recall the horror and the difficulty of making those phone calls to tell people about Scott's death.  I remember the surreal phone calls with the organ donation organization only to determine that he could not be an organ donor due to travel outside of the US during a certain time frame.  I remember searching through the safe for all the vital documents for planning the funeral/burial and for life insurance.  And, possibly the most difficult of all, figuring out the best way to tell a little girl that her father was gone.  In that instant our lives changed forever.  And while we have managed to move forward and put our lives back together, we are forever changed by Scott's life and death.  I know how our family faced my brother's traumatic accident, tw

As you know, we are coming up on the year anniversary of Scott's death.  I am still trying to make sense of it all and realizing that I may never make sense of it all.   It has been uplifting to hear stories of how Scott's life affected so many people in a positive way.  I am hoping that his death will affect many more people in a positive way.  To honor his memory as well as raise money for heart research, I have decided, along with Jaelyn and our family, to walk in the Lebanon County Heart Walk on September 29, 2013 from 12:30-3:30 P.M.  I am hoping that many of our family and friends will join Jaelyn and I on this walk in memory of Scott.  I have posted a link on Facebook as well as on my blog to the Hearts for Scott Heart Walk page.  Hearts for Scott Heart Walk page provides the opportunity for you to register to walk with us on September 29th or to donate money in Scott's memory. Please join us in honoring and celebrating Scott's memory! Hearts for Scott Hear

Over the last couple of days I have been thinking back over our grief journey.  We are drawing near to the year anniversary of Scott's death.  The pain was so intense in the beginning that all I could think and pray for was for the pain to lessen.  What I didn't realize was that as the pain lessens, the memories of touch, smell, and sound fade as well.  It is becoming harder to remember the touch of his hand on mine, the fresh and clean scent after a shower or the sweaty smell after working or exercising (yes, I even miss the sweaty smell), the sound of his voice and his laugh.  I am grateful that the intense pain of loss has lessened, but it is so hard to have those sensory memories fade -- I want them to remain vivid and clear.  I am beyond grateful and thankful for the healing that I have seen in Jaelyn over the past eleven months.  To hear her laughing so hard she was almost crying on the Fourth of July at her cousin, Emma, was priceless.  It really has hit in the last co

As much as I have shared of this grief journey we are on, there are still parts of this journey that are private.  As I think back over the last year, I am grateful for a lot of things.  One of the most treasured things is the family pictures we had done a little over a year ago.  Our push was to get them done before our nephew left for college, knowing how much harder it would be to get the whole family together at one time.  Little did any of us know that just six short weeks later, Scott would be gone -- suddenly, unexpectedly, in a split second -- and our lives were changed forever.  Those photos are so precious now -- the only "formal" pictures of Scott, Jaelyn, and I.  Photos have been such a source of comfort over the last eleven months -- they bring memories, laughter, and tears -- but worth their weight in gold.  There are photos I wish we had taken -- those moments in life that are special in their simplicity and normalcy -- the moments we think too insi

Garage/Yard Sale -- June 28th and 29th (Friday and Saturday) 7 am - ? Behind 101 N. Lancaster St. Jonestown Bookshelves, computer desk with hutch, Pack n- play, kayak, Easy Set Swimming Pool - 4 ft deep, air conditioner, canopy, tent, toys, crib mattress, golf clubs, water tubing raft and tow ropes, collapsible massage table, bike racks - two strap on types and one trailer hitch type, two Aquaglide Multisport systems (individual, portable, convertible sail boats), wetsuit, cash register, and many more miscellaneous items.

We just got home from the cabin after five days.  I don't understand how five days can go so fast when we are away and go so slow when it is a normal work week.  In the past ten months, we have experienced a lot of difficult firsts.  Everyone has said, and I expected, that the firsts would be the most difficult.  And that may be true, but this was our third trip to the cabin since Scott's death.  The first trip was the most difficult in terms of caring for Jaelyn and her emotions.  I would have to say that this trip, the third, was the most difficult in terms of missing Scott.  We had, what would have been in Scott's eyes, a perfect weekend.  Pine Creek was perfect for kayaking, the weather was warm -- but not too warm and cool -- but not too cool.  It was hard realizing how much Scott would have enjoyed himself this weekend.  I think that the fact that it was Father's Day weekend didn't help my emotions.  I thought about Scott almost constantly and talked about h

I had another major first today.   It was one that I knew was going to come in my new job but didn’t spend too much time thinking about.   Part of my job is assessing my kiddo’s when they are in crisis.   In our county when someone is in crisis emotionally, the place to go is Crisis Intervention at the Good Samaritan Hospital.   So, today one of my kiddo’s was in crisis.   This meant that I made my first trip to Good Sam ER since Scott’s death.   Walking up to the ER with my supervisor (I’m still in training, so she was assisting me), all I could think about was the last time I made that walk.   I cannot tell you how much dread I had when   I made that walk ten months ago, knowing that Scott was already gone and that I was going in to see his body.   The pain of making those final arrangements for him will never leave me.   Today, as I walked past the Cardiac/Trauma room he was in when I arrived at the hospital, it was almost a punch to my gut emotionally looking into that room.

Tonight I started a new devotional book by Beth Moore – “Looking Up – Trusting God with Your Every Need.”   The scripture was Psalms 139:1-16 – a very familiar Psalm.   Yet the part that leaped out at me tonight hit home because of a conversation with a friend today about my grief journey.   She was sharing with me how she felt that I was going through this journey with so much grace and handling things amazingly.   I responded that I didn’t feel like I had a choice in moving forward.   I have often said that without Jaelyn to keep me moving forward that I feel like I would have just curled up in a ball.   She didn’t believe this.   I shared with her that I have my dark moments – not that I “allow” people to see – these moments are in my leisure time.   The temptation is either to keep so busy that I don’t have time to think about our loss, or, to the other extreme, to wallow in the grief and misery.   The trick is finding the balance – having the time to grieve and work through th

I'm sitting in the quiet house (Jaelyn is in bed and the dogs are asleep), thinking back over the day.   Sometimes the quietness after family leaves seems to highlight the absence of Scott.   It was a good day, filled with family.   It was the first picnic at the new house.   It was so nice that most of the Bradley family, including Aunt Faye and Uncle Howard, as well as my parents were able to come for the day.   We were missing two people due to distance and schedule – Nando and Abbey – and two due to heaven – Jason and Scott.   It feels so odd to entertain without Scott – he was so much more the social planner than me.   He thrived on time spent with family and friends.   Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy those times, but Scott craved those times.   We are coming up on ten months since Scott’s death and it still seems surreal.   Life continues to move forward, although many times I wish I could simply rewind time.   I am dreading the year mark, and yet at times wish I could fas

Today, as I was sitting in a high school life skills classroom observing a child, I heard a song playing that I haven't heard in years, maybe not even since our wedding.  "Daddy's Hands" by Holly Dunn was sung by close friends, Kent and Dee Davis, at our wedding, just after my dad gave me away.  I chose this song for our wedding to honor my dad who has been a very important part of my life and continues to be a very important and special part of my life.  I cannot imagine how Jaelyn and I would have made it through the last nine months without my father (both my parents actually, but this is about daddies).  Not only has he cried with me and listened to me, but my dad has been there helping in every way imaginable.  He has done things for me that I didn't even see needed done and handled things that I just didn't have the emotional and mental strength to take care of.  My dad has been there for me every step along the way my whole life. Sitting there lis

For Mother’s Day Jaelyn made me a book in school, “The Important Book About My Mom.”    It was sweet and humorous at the same time.   It is always interesting to see how your children see you as a parent.   Jaelyn’s six words for me were:   kind, loving, fancy, happy, helpful, and cuddly.   Her explanations were:   “My mom is kind because she combs my hair.   My mom is loving because she helps animals a lot.   My mom is fancy because she was made that way.   My mom is happy because she has a family that loves her.   My mom is helpful because she helps me with my math.   My mom is cuddly because she cuddles with me.”    Not sure that I would have ever described myself as fancy or helping animals a lot, but in the eyes of an eight year old, those are words that describe me. After Mother’s Day when we were driving one evening, Jaelyn was talking about doing a Father’s Day card before the end of school like they did other years.   She just mentioned it in passing, not really saying

I have been thinking about Scott’s death a lot this week.   I am very grateful that when Scott had the heart attack that his death was quick.   I have found much to be grateful for this week that Scott didn’t suffer and wasn’t left in a position that we would have been forced to make a difficult situation or wait for the inevitable.   I have thanked God multiple times over the past nine months that Scott was not driving, alone with Jaelyn, or biking with Jaelyn and me outside of cell phone reception at the time of his heart attack.   While Scott’s death was tragic, there are many circumstances that could have made it worse, for him and for us.   I am grateful that Jaelyn doesn’t have to deal with a memory of her daddy dying in front of her.   While my heart breaks for Scott’s dad, with Scott dying in his arms, I am grateful that Scott was not alone and was with a loved one at that moment. Last weekend, my mom, Jaelyn, and I began going through boxes and various items in storage

I’m sitting on the back deck wrapped in a blanket.   Jaelyn just went to bed.   Most nights tucking her into bed is a fairly quick routine, especially since we moved and she is on the top bunk of the bunk bed.   No more begging mommy to lay down with her for a little bit – climbing those steps on a bunk bed was so much easier when I was 5 or 6!   Tonight Jaelyn was more talkative than normal, in a serious mode, not a stalling mode.   One of the things that has concerned me is that although I know that she misses her daddy, she doesn’t often say that she misses him without me asking her if she is missing him when I see her having a rough time.   Tonight I turned on her digital picture frame as I was tucking her into bed and watched a few pictures with her.   After watching a few, Jaelyn turned to me and said, “Mommy, I miss daddy.”   We talked for a few minutes about missing daddy.   I think the warm weather and doing more things outside highlights for her, just as for me, that her