That Walk

I had another major first today.  It was one that I knew was going to come in my new job but didn’t spend too much time thinking about.  Part of my job is assessing my kiddo’s when they are in crisis.  In our county when someone is in crisis emotionally, the place to go is Crisis Intervention at the Good Samaritan Hospital. 

So, today one of my kiddo’s was in crisis.  This meant that I made my first trip to Good Sam ER since Scott’s death.  Walking up to the ER with my supervisor (I’m still in training, so she was assisting me), all I could think about was the last time I made that walk.  I cannot tell you how much dread I had when  I made that walk ten months ago, knowing that Scott was already gone and that I was going in to see his body.  The pain of making those final arrangements for him will never leave me.  Today, as I walked past the Cardiac/Trauma room he was in when I arrived at the hospital, it was almost a punch to my gut emotionally looking into that room.  Thankfully it was empty today.

I am grateful that I did not make that walk today by myself, although my supervisor wasn’t aware of the significance and emotion of that walk.  I am thankful  that rather than observing a co-worker doing an assessment of one of their kiddo’s, that it was me doing paperwork for one of mine – not because I want any kiddo in crisis, but I needed to be focused on why I was there and it helped to keep my mind off of the last time that I was there.  If I had been there observing someone else in the process I am not sure I would have remembered anything that happened because of the emotions taking over.

I think that the emotional impact of today is only hitting me now as I have time to think about it.  In thinking about it, I think it is going to hit me each time I go in for a while.   I also know that each time I go into the ER for one of my kiddo’s in the future it will get easier.   I will never forget the pain and dread of that walk ten months ago.