Lori's Rambling

It is hard to believe that we are facing our fifth Christmas without Scott.  Everyone talks about the first year being the hardest.  And in a lot of ways it was the hardest.  That first year I was numb and still in a place of disbelief.  As each year passes and reality sets in, there is a different pain.  Each year brings more and more changes, that just take us further away from what things were like when he was with us. I look at Jaelyn and realize that already a third of her life has been lived without her dad.  Change is overwhelming and never stops coming.  Just in the last year we have said goodbye to a beloved pet and Jaelyn took a big step toward adulthood with the start of middle school.  If I’m honest with myself, Jaelyn starting middle school comes with very visible changes in worrying about her appearance, an increase in confidence, friends becoming much more important to her, and looking much more like a young adult — she is growing up and “away” from me.  Letting go

Today is Jaelyn’s 12th birthday.  As I sit and reflect back over the past twelve years I can’t help but wonder what our life would be like and how different Jaelyn would be if her dad had not died when she was 7.  I try not to stay in those thoughts long as it really serves no purpose.  I can’t go back and change what happened.  What it does do is make me grateful for who Jaelyn has turned into despite the tragedy of losing her dad.  I don’t often talk about Jaelyn’s journey over the past four years as that is her story, but I think it is important to see the hope and healing that can come not only to adults but also to a young child experiencing a tragic and life-altering loss. I remember reading a post about a year ago on a widow/widowers Facebook group about the damage to their child because of the loss of their parent.  I know this hit me very wrong in that moment.  Neither I nor Jaelyn are defined by the death of Scott and I refuse to allow that to be how we are defined.  Tha

After Scott’s death a lot of things changed drastically, but one of the biggest was friendships.  Some friendships disappeared in the days and months afterward — out discomfort with emotion and grief by my best guess, some faded in closeness while others deepened.  One of the surprises in my grief journey were the new friendships that developed.  One of those new friendships was truly special.   When I look back over time, I see that God laid the groundwork for that friendship over a couple of years time.  I first met Samantha when Scott and I left Milton Hershey School and returned to Jonestown and attending the Lebanon Area Evangelical Free Church again.  Samantha was the first person to come up and talk to Scott and I and welcome us to the church.   Two years later, in the initial days after Scott died, Samantha sent a card expressing thoughts and prayers.  A few months later, when all the initial support and expressions of sympathy had faded, Samantha sent another card, sh

In my job as a case manager for children and adolescents with mental health issues, there are times when I need to go to Crisis Intervention with the kids and their families.  In our county Crisis Intervention is located inside the emergency room of the Good Samaritan Hospital.  This also happens to be the hospital  emergency room  that Scott was taken to when he had his fatal heart attack and where I first saw him after his death.  No matter how many times I go there with the families that I work with and walk past the trauma room where he died, it instantly has the power to take me back in time to the early morning he died and walking into that room and the shell-shocked feeling that overwhelmed me.  Today was one of those days.   As I reflected on this in a conversation with my mom this afternoon, we talked about a little boy in our church with some serious medical disabilities who requires a suction machine to assist him in keeping his airways clear.  Our family is quite famil

As I sit and think back over this past weekend, one word comes to mind - bittersweet.   I think I feel that way every time we make the 4 1/2 - 5 hour trip to get together with the extended Bradley/Nottingham family.  I started joining Scott way on this trips way back in 1997 when we first started dating.  Those trips together continued, often multiple times a year, for the next fifteen years, until Scott’s death.  Due to the busyness of life, we did miss a year here and there, but tried to get there at least once a year.   Then Jaelyn and I continued making those trips in the four years since Scott’s death.  Each time is bittersweet.  I love seeing Scott’s family, who became my family when we married, but have been so special to us and loved on us so much in the years since Scott’s death.   I see glimpses of Scott and his personality in his cousins and other family.  This is bitter, in that it highlights that he is no longer here  —  and sweet in that it reminds us of who

Friday evening I had the blessing of spending some time with two of "our" girls from Milton Hershey School.  For those that may not know, Scott and I were houseparents at Milton Hershey School for a little over four years.  We spent 1 1/2 of those years with elementary school girls and then moved with them to middle school for another three years.  There were six or seven girls that we had the entire four years (the first six months we moved from home to home covering for other houseparents on their days off).  We left Milton Hershey School when Jaelyn was 5 1/2 years old.   There are a few girls that really hold a special spot in my heart and held a special spot in Scott’s heart as well.  Aaliyah and Keirstin (KeKe) are two of those girls.  The last time that I had the opportunity to see them - and KeKe’s sister, Angel (who also holds a special spot in our hearts) - was at Scott’s viewing.  I was very blessed and touched by the effort that they, their families, and thei

Father’s Day has become a bittersweet day in our household since Scott’s death.   While I have always loved and appreciated my dad for the father he has been to me, since Scott’s death I have come to treasure that relationship even more.  When I look at Jaelyn and see what she lost when Scott died, I do not take for granted the love my dad has for me, the time he spends with me, and how he still takes care of me.   Jaelyn lost an incredible father who loved her dearly, spent lots of time with her, and took great care of her (and made sure that she would continue to be taken care of if anything happened to him).  He would be so proud of the wonderful young lady that she is.   Yet, Jaelyn was not only blessed with a wonderful father (although her time with him was short), she has been blessed with a few wonderful men in her life, who have really invested in her life, love her dearly, spend time with her, and take great care of her.  It would not be Father’s Day wi

Today I had the honor and blessing of presenting the third annual Scott Bradley Scholarship Award at our church for Youth Sunday for a graduating senior showing great faith and adventure in their walk with God.  As always, God was working ahead of time.  This year, due to one of Scott’s investments coming to fruition, I was able to contribute double financially what I have been able to contribute the first two years.  Normally I would not share the financial side of this, but it is a vital part of understanding God working in all of this.  I made this decision a couple of weeks ago prior to the selection process (which is completely done by the youth and youth leaders) for the winner.  Imagine my surprise when I arrived at church this morning and found out that this year there was a tie for the winner!  Yet, why should I be surprised?   God provided financially for the tie ahead of time (in fact, four years ago — as this investment was initiated by Scott a couple of months before his

Earlier this week I read the transcript of the commencement address that Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook CEO, gave at the University of California, Berkeley.  For those of you who may not be familiar with her story, a little over a year ago, she lost her husband unexpectedly and without warning to a cardiac arrhythmia.  In her commencement address she shared about her grief journey and the lessons that she learned.  A lot of what she shared has resonated with me all week.  A few quotes stood out above the rest.   “Dave’s death changed me in very profound ways.  I learned about the depths of sadness and the brutality of loss.  But I also learned that when life sucks you under, you can kick against the bottom, break the surface, and breathe again.  I learned that in the face of the void - or in the face of any challenge - you can choose joy and meaning.”   Definitely Scott’s death has changed me in profound ways as well and given me an understanding of the brutality of loss.  I’m not

Tulips blooming are the epitome of spring and new life coming after a cold, hard winter.  This morning I have been thinking about the parallel I see to my grief journey.  I have come a long way in the last 3 1/2 years and I’m seeing the tulips blooming, with a shift in perspective from day-to-day to looking toward to and dreaming of the future.  And just as the snow today is a sudden, shocking plunge back into winter - even if only for a day or two — so it happens for me.   Most days are bright and have the promise of tulips blooming and new life.  But every so often, just like this unexpected snow, something will happen that plunges me back into the cold, hard grief - even if for a short time.  Many people dream of their loved ones after their passing.  That has been a fairly rare occurrence for me, and when it happens is almost always bizarre and not true to life.  However, the last two nights I have dreamed of Scott, which was warm and comforting — until I woke up and realize

February -  the month of a ton of family birthdays including Scott’s birthday, Valentine’s Day, and Father-Daughter dances.  Not surprisingly February is a difficult month for me.   Seeing all the Facebook posts about Father-Daughter dances/dates brings tears to my eyes for a couple of reasons — first that these daughters are blessed to have fathers who love them so much that they set aside time not only to spend with them but to make them feel special, second that Jaelyn’s father is not here to do that for her — and he absolutely would do it if he wasn’t in heaven.  Scott spent so much time with Jaelyn, sharing his love of the outdoors and sports with her, playing dress-up with her, playing games with her, etc.  This is a HUGE loss in her life, despite the close relationships that she has with her Grandpa Herr and her Uncle Fernando.  I am thankful that her elementary school does not have a Father-Daughter dance as it is not something she has to face or make a choice about.  So,