February

February -  the month of a ton of family birthdays including Scott’s birthday, Valentine’s Day, and Father-Daughter dances.  Not surprisingly February is a difficult month for me.  

Seeing all the Facebook posts about Father-Daughter dances/dates brings tears to my eyes for a couple of reasons — first that these daughters are blessed to have fathers who love them so much that they set aside time not only to spend with them but to make them feel special, second that Jaelyn’s father is not here to do that for her — and he absolutely would do it if he wasn’t in heaven.  Scott spent so much time with Jaelyn, sharing his love of the outdoors and sports with her, playing dress-up with her, playing games with her, etc.  This is a HUGE loss in her life, despite the close relationships that she has with her Grandpa Herr and her Uncle Fernando.  I am thankful that her elementary school does not have a Father-Daughter dance as it is not something she has to face or make a choice about.  So, at this point it is more my mental and emotional battle than hers. 

Valentine’s Day was not something that Scott and I ever really made a big deal about so the day itself does not bring pain or sadness.  However, all the hype, hoopla, and lovey dove posts do bring sadness, as a reminder of who and what I no longer have.  That makes it sound like I don’t want to see other people’s love and happiness, which couldn’t be further from the truth.  In truth, although it brings sadness, it also brings smiles as it makes me remember the love and the special times that Scott and I shared, as well as a thankfulness that my friends have love and special times with their love.

In a few days, it will be Scott’s 44th birthday, and the fourth that he has celebrated in heaven.  Jaelyn’s soccer jersey is number 18 in honor of Scott’s birthday.  We haven’t talked yet about how we will celebrate it this year, especially since it falls on a school/work day.  Every year we decide to do something different, although it usually always involves food — since Scott loved food!  This year we may have to do something special on a different day depending on what we decide to do since it is a school/work day and also the day of Jaelyn’s guitar lessons.  

Then, of course, all this snow!  Scott loved snow!  I remember the last February before we left Milton Hershey School, in 2010.  There were two LARGE snow storms in one week.  We could hardly get the girls outside long enough to shovel snow, but anytime I couldn’t find Scott, I checked outside and he was digging tunnels and caves through the snow banks.   He spent hours outside at a time playing in the snow.  I think that he loved snow as much as he loved water.  He would have been like a little kid in a candy store with the 30 inches that we got in January this year.