Lori's Rambling

Tomorrow it will be three years since the first - and last - family pictures that we had taken before Scott's death.  As I sit in the living room looking at our family picture on the wall, I am thinking back over our journey since Scott's death.  I have blogged my way almost every step on this painful journey, and privately journaled as well.   It has been a journey of faith as much if not more than a journey of grief.   It is easy to trust in God when everything is going well, but when every step felt like I was about to take a step off of a cliff, it required a great amount of trust to keep taking that step forward.  I am thankful for the encouragement, prayers, and support that always seemed to come when I was having difficulty taking that next step forward.  As I talked about in my last blog post, it was very hard to take steps outside of my comfort zone -- it seemed like my comfort zone shrank when Scott died.  I could only handle so much -- and work became extremely diffi

In the almost three years since Scott’s death I have realized how extremely easy it is to get in a rut.  When Scott’s death occurred, my immediate and longer lasting reaction was to grab hold tightly of anything and everything that I could control – even though his death revealed that control of anything in life is really just an illusion.  My mind and heart were so busy trying to come to grips with his death and the effects of his death that I stayed with what was comfortable.  Anything outside of that comfort zone resulted in extreme stress.  This perhaps explains why my job change eight months after Scott’s death induced a stress and anxiety reaction like I have never had with any job change in the past.  I have had almost a light bulb moment while on over vacation about all of this.  In sitting here thinking about it, I understand that maybe an easing of this stress/anxiety reaction over things outside of my comfort zone is the truest sign of healing for myself. A case in poin