Showing posts from August, 2013

Not Defined by Grief, Changed by Grief

I found this quote on Pinterest tonight and it really caught my attention.  I think because grief is so painful and difficult the tendency is to focus on "getting through it."  What really hit me when I read this quote tonight was the reality that there cannot be a goal to "get through it and move on."  Rather it is taking the time to experience the grief and allow it to change you.  Grief is going to change you regardless of what you do; however, how you experience grief affects how it changes you.  If I had chosen to stuff my grief down inside me and not allowed myself to experience emotions, I would have deadened emotions as if I allowed any emotions it would cause all the stuffed ones to come exploding out.  I have learned that expressing those emotions and facing them has made me more sensitive to others, especially others in the grief journey.   My prayer is that this grief journey changes me in positive ways.  In time grief will have become a part of me, wh…

Hope and a Future

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11

I came across this verse tonight while reading through a book on the journey through grief.I have been doing a lot of thinking since passing the year mark of Scott’s death.I have felt the pull of despair and discouragement harder in the last couple of weeks than I have in a little while.I believe that my focus over the past year was moving forward day by day with a subconscious goal of making it through the first year.Since “making it through the first year” I have felt like I am wandering aimlessly.Any time I think of the future I feel down again, as reality hits hard that my partner, my spouse, my best friend is not part of that future.It seems blank and I have no vision for what the future will look like.Right now that is a depressing feeling.When I read the verse above tonight – a verse that I have heard often in my life – the p…

Early Morning Thoughts

It is 3:30 in the morning and I can't sleep.  My stomach is churning and my mind won't stop.  A year ago right now I was sitting in a trauma room at the hospital looking at Scott's lifeless body, surrounded by stunned family.  If there was ever a time in my life that I wanted to run from life and avoid the pain, it was that moment.  Feeling overwhelmed, not sure of the next step, but knowing that life as Jaelyn and I knew it was gone forever and not knowing what the future would hold.  It felt like falling off the side of a cliff and not knowing how far the fall would be, but everything was in slow motion, feeling like it was going on forever.

I'm trying not to rehash everything that happened a year ago, but rather focus on how far we have come.  And when I look back, I see how far we have come.  To hear Jaelyn giggle and laugh spontaneously brings tears to the eyes.  She was such a somber little girl for so long, yet she is moving forward also.  Jaelyn still misses he…

No Rush

Today, for some reason, my thoughts are just flowing out of me.  Yet I cannot stop thinking about a conversation that I had with a friend yesterday.  I was talking about how busy things had been in my personal life recently.  Her immediate thought was that I had met someone special.  I remember sitting in stunned silence for a moment that this was her first thought.

As we approach a year tomorrow, I have thought about how I will know when I am ready to stop wearing Scott's wedding ring and be open to moving forward to that step.  That is a question I don't have an answer for right now.  I figure that when I have that answer, then I am probably ready to let go.  I cannot comprehend a year ever being enough time, yet I would never judge someone else's grief journey if they reach that point before a year.  I have often told  people that if God has another special man in His plan for me at some point, He is going to have to drop him in my lap.

Any guy in the future would have…

Legacy of Love

A year ago today, you were still with us.  The possibility of you being gone the next day never crossed our thinking.  In such a short amount of time our world came crashing down around us.  There is still shock and disbelief that you are gone.  Yet, we are moving forward.  We remember you constantly and miss your smile, crazy sense of humor, zany sense of adventure, spontaneity, and love and loyalty toward your family and friends.  You never hesitated to find a way to help a friend in need, without need or desire for recognition, often helping anonymously. 

We miss you so much and you have changed all of us for the better for having known you and been loved by you.  We dreamed of a long life together, but God had other plans.  I still struggle to see a reason and a purpose from your death.  I realize that I may never see that until I see things from that side of heaven.

 I am thankful that there is no pain and sadness in heaven, that you can see the whole picture and how God will ma…

Shadow Effect

Today has been a physically exhausting day.  I believe it is the adrenaline crash after the excitement and stress of Shadow's sudden illness last night.  When Jaelyn and I got home last night and found Shadow so impaired, I feared the worse.  I wasn't sure what was wrong, but was sure that we were facing the end for her.  All I kept thinking was, "God, haven't we had enough, isn't it bad enough that we lost Scott and now when we are preparing ourselves for the challenge of facing the anniversary of Scott's death, we have to face losing Shadow."  I have to admit that it was the angriest I have found myself in this grief journey. 

Before my dad and I left to take Shadow to the vet last night I prepared Jaelyn for the possibility that as serious as Shadow's condition looked, Shadow may not be coming back home.  While we have talked in general terms about Shadow getting older and not having many more years left, when the reality of possibly losing Shadow…

Moving On

Moving on – this a phrase that is heard often in the grief journey – most often from well-meaning people encouraging you to move forward out of sadness and grief.Yet, for someone in the middle of the grief journey it is difficult to define what this means and looks like.This week I found a quote that I really liked and shared it on Facebook:

My uncle commented with a thought from his son-in-law who went through his own grief journey with the loss of his wife (my cousin) at a young age, just eight years ago.That thought has been ringing through my head since I read it yesterday.The absolute truth in the thought is such a perfect definition of moving on.
"To move on didn't mean I packed up my memories of Crystal and then looked back at them as I moved forward. Instead, I packed up the memories and took them with me as I began to move ahead." – Dave Kline
Moving on doesn’t mean putting those memories behind us and remembering them occasionally or rarely, those memories have sh…