Early Morning Thoughts
It is 3:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. My stomach is churning and my mind won't stop. A year ago right now I was sitting in a trauma room at the hospital looking at Scott's lifeless body, surrounded by stunned family. If there was ever a time in my life that I wanted to run from life and avoid the pain, it was that moment. Feeling overwhelmed, not sure of the next step, but knowing that life as Jaelyn and I knew it was gone forever and not knowing what the future would hold. It felt like falling off the side of a cliff and not knowing how far the fall would be, but everything was in slow motion, feeling like it was going on forever.
I'm trying not to rehash everything that happened a year ago, but rather focus on how far we have come. And when I look back, I see how far we have come. To hear Jaelyn giggle and laugh spontaneously brings tears to the eyes. She was such a somber little girl for so long, yet she is moving forward also. Jaelyn still misses her daddy and I don't think that will ever go away, but she is adjusting and enjoying life again.
It is hard to believe that it has been a year, we have survived, and even thrived. There is a sense of guilt that goes along with the thriving, but Scott wouldn't have wanted us to wallow, mope, and cry. There is no way that we would have gotten through the past year without the love and prayers of friends, family, and strangers.
I know that I am probably going to forget someone, but I really need to attempt to thank everyone that has stepped up, stepped in, and surrounded us with love and care.
I have particularly appreciated the many special people in our church who have surrounded Jaelyn -- Pastor Gary and Miss Joan, Miss Donna, Pastor Darryl, and the many adults helping/teaching in her classes, who have been in tune to Jaelyn, surrounding her, and loving her. I so appreciate the encouragement and support those same people have provided to me, as well as Ron and Joan Miller, my co-Grief Share participants, and Karen Higley. The Grief Share group, Ron, Joan, and Karen have been so real and so open with me regarding their life experiences, that it has made it easier to open up and talk about the emotions and struggles that I have faced over the past year. Everyone of you has made a difference in my life and Jaelyn's life over the past year.
I treasure every card, note, email, word of encouragement, and Facebook comment that I have received over the past year. Melody Hill -- thank you for the cards for Jaelyn and I -- we both look forward to receiving them and the words of encouragement and prayer. Donna Buse -- thank you for thinking of Jaelyn when you send the grief books. She has looked forward to those cards and Slushie money!
Thank you to Bill and Lori Bertrand, but especially Bill, for taking care of Jaelyn before and after school last year -- I know getting up early is not your favorite thing, but you did it for us without hesitation. I could not have gotten through the past year without knowing that Jaelyn was being taken care of, that she was with people who loved her, and that would do anything for her.
The biggest thank you goes to my parents. I have said it many times, and I won't stop saying that if not for my parents, I would not have made it through the last year. From dropping everything at any given moment if I or Jaelyn needed help with anything, to double-handedly remodeling my house while I worked, taking care of any maintenance, repair, etc that was needed for anything, giving up retirement time to take care of Jaelyn, your love and help has touched every area of our lives and I cannot thank God enough for providing me with such amazing and wonderful parents.
Jaelyn's school has been beyond amazing. To have her principal, guidance counselor, first and second grade teachers, as well as her first grade reading teacher all come to support her at Scott's viewing, and then touching base with me throughout the year to make sure that Jaelyn was doing okay, I could not have asked for more support and care from the school.
I love and appreciate Scott's family so much, it doesn't feel right to designate them as Scott's family, they are my family and Jaelyn's family. They have loved and cared for us in any way possible, which has been challenging with the health and mobility issues for Scott's mom. Scott's death has certainly brought us all closer together and we have become more focused on making time to be together.
A huge thank you to all my Aunts and Uncles, Cousins, and friends who helped move us, especially to my dad and three of his older brothers (all 70 plus years of age) who moved 3/4 of my house early because of snow forecasted for my moving day! In the six moves that I have made since Scott and I were married, it was by far the smoothest and easiest -- because of the help of everyone involved.
I know that I have missed someone in this list and please know that if I did miss your name, it is not because we haven't appreciated what you have done for us. I know that as soon as I post this list I will remember other people that I forgot to thank. Please know that cards, words of encouragement, and prayers do make a difference and have made a difference in our life and we are so grateful and thankful for the people that God has placed in our lives.
I'm trying not to rehash everything that happened a year ago, but rather focus on how far we have come. And when I look back, I see how far we have come. To hear Jaelyn giggle and laugh spontaneously brings tears to the eyes. She was such a somber little girl for so long, yet she is moving forward also. Jaelyn still misses her daddy and I don't think that will ever go away, but she is adjusting and enjoying life again.
It is hard to believe that it has been a year, we have survived, and even thrived. There is a sense of guilt that goes along with the thriving, but Scott wouldn't have wanted us to wallow, mope, and cry. There is no way that we would have gotten through the past year without the love and prayers of friends, family, and strangers.
I know that I am probably going to forget someone, but I really need to attempt to thank everyone that has stepped up, stepped in, and surrounded us with love and care.
I have particularly appreciated the many special people in our church who have surrounded Jaelyn -- Pastor Gary and Miss Joan, Miss Donna, Pastor Darryl, and the many adults helping/teaching in her classes, who have been in tune to Jaelyn, surrounding her, and loving her. I so appreciate the encouragement and support those same people have provided to me, as well as Ron and Joan Miller, my co-Grief Share participants, and Karen Higley. The Grief Share group, Ron, Joan, and Karen have been so real and so open with me regarding their life experiences, that it has made it easier to open up and talk about the emotions and struggles that I have faced over the past year. Everyone of you has made a difference in my life and Jaelyn's life over the past year.
I treasure every card, note, email, word of encouragement, and Facebook comment that I have received over the past year. Melody Hill -- thank you for the cards for Jaelyn and I -- we both look forward to receiving them and the words of encouragement and prayer. Donna Buse -- thank you for thinking of Jaelyn when you send the grief books. She has looked forward to those cards and Slushie money!
Thank you to Bill and Lori Bertrand, but especially Bill, for taking care of Jaelyn before and after school last year -- I know getting up early is not your favorite thing, but you did it for us without hesitation. I could not have gotten through the past year without knowing that Jaelyn was being taken care of, that she was with people who loved her, and that would do anything for her.
The biggest thank you goes to my parents. I have said it many times, and I won't stop saying that if not for my parents, I would not have made it through the last year. From dropping everything at any given moment if I or Jaelyn needed help with anything, to double-handedly remodeling my house while I worked, taking care of any maintenance, repair, etc that was needed for anything, giving up retirement time to take care of Jaelyn, your love and help has touched every area of our lives and I cannot thank God enough for providing me with such amazing and wonderful parents.
Jaelyn's school has been beyond amazing. To have her principal, guidance counselor, first and second grade teachers, as well as her first grade reading teacher all come to support her at Scott's viewing, and then touching base with me throughout the year to make sure that Jaelyn was doing okay, I could not have asked for more support and care from the school.
I love and appreciate Scott's family so much, it doesn't feel right to designate them as Scott's family, they are my family and Jaelyn's family. They have loved and cared for us in any way possible, which has been challenging with the health and mobility issues for Scott's mom. Scott's death has certainly brought us all closer together and we have become more focused on making time to be together.
A huge thank you to all my Aunts and Uncles, Cousins, and friends who helped move us, especially to my dad and three of his older brothers (all 70 plus years of age) who moved 3/4 of my house early because of snow forecasted for my moving day! In the six moves that I have made since Scott and I were married, it was by far the smoothest and easiest -- because of the help of everyone involved.
I know that I have missed someone in this list and please know that if I did miss your name, it is not because we haven't appreciated what you have done for us. I know that as soon as I post this list I will remember other people that I forgot to thank. Please know that cards, words of encouragement, and prayers do make a difference and have made a difference in our life and we are so grateful and thankful for the people that God has placed in our lives.
You have to be thanked too, Lori. You have been so strong to get through this. You have been there for Jae, for Scott's family, for others who struggled with this. Your reslience is amazing. It is not easy to do what you have done. But your love for Scott continues to give life, the life to make a difference. You affect so many people in a positive way. Know that you are loved. We will continue to be there for each other over the years to come and at our foundation will continue to be the friendship built with you and Scott.
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