Lori's Rambling

Even though this is our sixth Christmas without Scott, there is still a part of me that dreads Christmas.  —  Shouldn’t I “just be over it already?” — I have heard this comment made a few times to or about others this Christmas season.  Honestly, it breaks my heart.  It doesn’t matter how many years it has been, I will always miss Scott at Christmas and there are parts of the Christmas season that will always be difficult.  Yes, I will laugh and enjoy time with family, but I will also grieve the fact that Scott is not there to enjoy it.  Scott loved family get-togethers - eating, laughing, and playing games together with those he loved — and those get-togethers highlight the fact that he is missing.  Are my emotions as raw as the first year or two?  No, but that is not necessarily the case for everyone.  I will say that year five was almost as difficult as year one for me personally.  I try to take each day as it comes and work hard to find the spirit of the season, but some days and

In the last two years especially of Jaelyn playing soccer, I grieve the fact that Scott isn’t here to enjoy this season of Jaelyn’s life.  He would have loved seeing her play and taken great pride in her ability and sportsmanship.  He would have been that loud parent on the side-line!  Although soccer was the one sport that Scott didn’t play growing up and despite his doubts in his ability to coach a sport he hadn’t played, Scott coached the last soccer team (indoor at the YMCA) Jaelyn played on before his death.  At that point we had no idea whether Jaelyn would stick with soccer and how much she would excel and come to love the sport.  When Scott died I worried that she would give up the sport because it reminded her of her dad — and in the beginning that wasn’t a good thing.  She did want to give up the first season (practices for that season actually began the week of Scott’s death) after he died, but I wouldn’t allow her to quit.  That first fall and winter I pushed her to co

Today I took a major step in my grief journey.  As most of you know, either from reading my blog or knowing Scott personally, Scott was passionate about kayaking and always wanted to share his passion for kayaking with his family.  The last time I was in a kayak was a little over five years ago when we took our last kayak trip as a family.  Six years ago we bought Jaelyn her first kayak - a youth kayak.  It was six years ago today that she tried it out, kayaking independently for the first time - at six years old.  The last time she used that kayak was our last kayak trip as a family.     So today, a couple of firsts happened.  Today was the first time I was back in a kayak since before Scott’s death, five years ago.  Today was the first time that Jaelyn tried out her first adult kayak, exactly six years from the time she tried out her very first kayak.   We chose to kayak the Swatara Creek, which was also the same creek we took our last kayak trip on as a family.  I did choose a

Driving home from work today, seeing the gorgeous and dramatic clouds gave me a craving to get out tonight with my camera.  After dropping Jaelyn off at youth group, I began driving toward Indiantown Gap, not really knowing where I wanted to go.  I began feeling this pull to go to the Indiantown Gap National Cemetery.  I haven’t been there for a while, but felt a pull to be there with Scott heavy in my thoughts.   When driving into the cemetery, the clouds behind the Veteran’s Memorial and the sun shining on the front caught my attention.  Knowing how quickly clouds and light can change, I quickly pulled around so that I could get pictures.  I wasn’t out of the car but a few seconds when I heard the stirring sounds of a bagpipe echoing through the cemetery with the notes of a medley of hymns.  It was deep and clear echoing over the graves.  The beauty and peace of it sent chills down my arms.  It seemed as if time stood still while the song resonated across the cemetery.  

The winner:  Patrick Finley This is the fourth year for the scholarship.  The winner is selected by the youth leaders and so it is awe-inspiring to see God’s hand in the selection when I hear the winner’s name and hear why they were selected.   This year has a little bit of a story to go along with it.  See, this year, about 6-8 weeks ago I finally felt ready to let go of Scott’s most prized possession — his kayak — and had posted on Facebook about it being for sale.  A few weeks ago Patrick’s mom had messaged me about Patrick possibly being interested in the kayak.  I suggested that he try it out first as it is more of a specialty kayak and not for everyone.  Patrick came a few days later with a friend to try it out.  When he returned a little later with the kayak, he was quick to say that it wasn’t for him, that he had “taken a bit of a spill.”  Having flipped a kayak myself a few years ago, as well as having seen and heard Scott’s experiences, this made me smile knowing

This is the fourth year of Scott's scholarship through our church. I am honored each year to be a part of the presentation and have an opportunity to share a few words. Each year as I try to figure out what to share with the graduates at the presentation of Scott's scholarship, it amazes me how and when God pulls my thoughts together. The first year it all came together just a few hours before the presentation - nothing like cutting it down to the wire! Another year it was a week ahead and one year it was a month ahead. Tonight I think that God pulled my thoughts together for this year's presentation - only two days ahead this time.   The other neat thing is seeing God's hand in who was selected as the winner -- and this year is no exception! You will have to come to the scholarship presentation on Sunday or check back here afterward to hear about this year's winner and hear about God's hand in the selection!  But here is a bit of history of the fi

Last week Jaelyn came home from school with a postcard From Creative Communication stating:  Congratulations Jaelyn!  Your poem “Life vs Death” has been accepted to be published in the book A Celebration of Poets .  The postcard stated that her poem is in the final competition and may be a Top Ten Winner.  They needed us to give permission for the poem to be published and to order a copy of the book if we wanted.  Jaelyn told me that her Reading teacher had entered her poem in a contest through Creative Communication.  I am so proud of not only her ability to express herself in writing, but taking the risk to write something that shared a deep part of herself.  The part that struck me the most was not that her poem was selected to be published and in the final competition.  Rather, after asking a few questions, I found out that only the style of the poem was given by the teacher for that particular assignment and she chose the topic herself.   Life vs Death Life Ener

I never dreamed that I would need to navigate the pre-teen/teen years without Scott.  And his absence has been hitting home to me in an increasing way throughout this first year of middle school for Jaelyn.  I am acutely aware of all the positive experiences that he is “missing” out on experiencing - going to her first school dance, seeing her really become passionate about soccer and excel at it, becoming much more independent and responsible around the house, learning to play the guitar. . . the list could go on and on.   I truly am very proud of Jaelyn and who she is and who she is becoming as she matures.  She is a really wonderful young lady (yes I am biased) that is excelling at whatever she puts her mind to.  She makes wise choices in her decisions and friends.   That said, I could really use Scott's perspective, wisdom, and humor in navigating the social life of a middle schooler, the moods and hormones of a pre-teen, and interpreting if moods are of concern or simply