Salsa

There are a lot of thought floating in my head this weekend, calling out to put on paper.  So, this is my second post today – rather than combine my convoluted thoughts into one post.

This weekend I had a picnic with friends at my house.  One of our friends asked me to make my salsa for the picnic.  There was such a mixture of feelings when I got his email with the request.   Scott asked me to make my salsa more than any other recipe or food item I have ever made for him.  I had not made it since before his death, until this weekend.  I wasn’t sure I would ever make it again – it is so connected with Scott in my mind.  Scott would always help me make it – chopping the onions for me since I can’t chop onions without crying my eyes out—and was always my taste tester. 

I took a short-cut when I made it this weekend and bought pre-cut onions and peppers at the store.  I truly thought that I would cry my way through making it.  I didn’t cry, but Scott was very present in my thoughts the whole time.  When I finished making it and it was time to taste test it (I don’t have an exact recipe and it is never the same twice), it was really hard taste testing without his opinion.  I finally just let it go and walked away before my emotions could overwhelm me.  It didn’t taste good to me at that time, but I think it was my memories and emotions getting in the way.


I have found myself wondering when the firsts will end.  It is exhausting at times anticipating or getting blindsided by the first time of doing or having something happen since his death.   It can often be a punch in the gut, especially when I am blindsided by it.  Just last Sunday, for the scholarship presentation, when Pastor Marc introduced me as Scott’s widow is a perfect example.  I don’t know why I didn’t think about how I would be introduced, but it was the first time, even twenty-two months after Scott’s death, that someone had introduced me as Scott’s widow.  I have filled out forms, checking the box widow, so it isn’t that I haven’t lived the word.  And honestly, I wouldn’t have wanted Pastor Marc to introduce me any other way, but it is still a shock to my system when little-big things happen like that.  

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