Gratitude from Grief

Earlier this week I read the transcript of the commencement address that Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook CEO, gave at the University of California, Berkeley.  For those of you who may not be familiar with her story, a little over a year ago, she lost her husband unexpectedly and without warning to a cardiac arrhythmia.  In her commencement address she shared about her grief journey and the lessons that she learned.  A lot of what she shared has resonated with me all week.  A few quotes stood out above the rest.  

“Dave’s death changed me in very profound ways.  I learned about the depths of sadness and the brutality of loss.  But I also learned that when life sucks you under, you can kick against the bottom, break the surface, and breathe again.  I learned that in the face of the void - or in the face of any challenge - you can choose joy and meaning.”  

Definitely Scott’s death has changed me in profound ways as well and given me an understanding of the brutality of loss.  I’m not sure if Sheryl is a believer, but when I read this statement James 1:2-4 immediately came to mind:  “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. “  Clearly joy is a choice.  I do not believe that it means the same thing as happy.  I certainly cannot and would not ever say that I was happy in my grief, but I did and do find joy in seeing the ways that God has taken care of us.   

“It is the hard days — the times that challenge you to your very core — that will determine who you are.  You will be defined not just by what you achieve, but by how you survive.”

Wow!  I remember stating in a post a while ago that I would not allow myself to be defined by Scott’s death.  I really like what she says about being defined by how you survive.  I think that the things that I have learned on this journey, about life, grief, and myself, most certainly define me.  I am the person that I am today because of how Scott’s death has shaped me.  I believe that I am a more confident person in a lot of ways.  I am more content and fulfilled in the moment, rather than looking to the future for fulfillment.  I have a greater gratitude for all the blessings in life and in each day. 

As Sheryl said, “It is the greatest irony of my life that losing my husband helped me find deeper gratitude — gratitude for the kindness of my friends, the love of my family, the laughter of my children.”

It would be very easy to be jealous of those around me who have “complete” families.  But I will never forget the very wise words that my cousin’s husband shared, “we need to live OUR story. God has a story for them and a story for us and we can’t live theirs. We need to live ours.”  It was said in a very different circumstance from mine, but that doesn’t make it any less wise.  My cousin first shared his words in her blog and in church a couple of months ago, but it has stuck in my head and heart ever since.  I remind myself of this every time I find myself feeling jealous or sorry for myself.  God has blessed me in so many ways and it is easy to lose sight of that when all I’m looking at is what I don’t have.

For those who might be interested in reading the entire transcript of Sheryl Sandberg’s Commencement Address, here is the link:  Sheryl Sandberg Transcript