"Normal"
Well, I went back to work today and Jaelyn went back to school. Life goes on as "normal." I had a pretty good day at work and Jaelyn had a good first day of school. So why am I angry? How can life go on as normal with one of the most important people in my life gone? I don't want normal again -- life isn't normal when your spouse dies at such a young age with no warning. My mind and my heart want to fight against normal. Normal makes it feel like it wasn't a big deal that Scott died and that he didn't matter, and it was and is a big deal and he did matter. Yet life must go on. It doesn't seem right. I want life to just pause for a moment to acknowledge the significance of Scott's life gone, yet life goes on. It is hard to move on, plan for the future that he was always to be a part of and now is not.
I know I'm not the first person to experience grief and loss and will not be the last person. I know that Scott is not the first significant person in my life that I have lost and is not the last significant person in my life that I will lose. Yet right now his death overshadows any past losses and any future losses. I know that I will grieve deeply again in the future for other significant family members and friends as I have grieved deeply in the past for the death of my brother. And yet, it is hard to imagine a loss bigger than this one.
I rejoice when Jaelyn has a good day and yet there is sadness that she was able to have a good day without her daddy it. I know that Jaelyn misses her daddy and grieves the loss of him deeply. Yet because we grieve differently, I don't always understand her thoughts and feelings. I am pleased when she has a day when that loss and grief do not weigh her down so that she is unable to laugh or enjoy moments throughout the day. I think in listening to her sharing her grief and loss, it forces me to examine my own feelings of grief and loss more closely and more honestly. I believe that our shared grief and loss is pulling us closer together and I am thankful and grateful for that. I know of many situations when grief and loss pull families apart, especially when people grieve differently. I hope and pray that she will continue to be open to share her grief and loss with me and that I will continue to be able to listen without judgement, answer appropriately if needed, and look within myself to share my own grief and loss appropriately with her.
I know I'm not the first person to experience grief and loss and will not be the last person. I know that Scott is not the first significant person in my life that I have lost and is not the last significant person in my life that I will lose. Yet right now his death overshadows any past losses and any future losses. I know that I will grieve deeply again in the future for other significant family members and friends as I have grieved deeply in the past for the death of my brother. And yet, it is hard to imagine a loss bigger than this one.
I rejoice when Jaelyn has a good day and yet there is sadness that she was able to have a good day without her daddy it. I know that Jaelyn misses her daddy and grieves the loss of him deeply. Yet because we grieve differently, I don't always understand her thoughts and feelings. I am pleased when she has a day when that loss and grief do not weigh her down so that she is unable to laugh or enjoy moments throughout the day. I think in listening to her sharing her grief and loss, it forces me to examine my own feelings of grief and loss more closely and more honestly. I believe that our shared grief and loss is pulling us closer together and I am thankful and grateful for that. I know of many situations when grief and loss pull families apart, especially when people grieve differently. I hope and pray that she will continue to be open to share her grief and loss with me and that I will continue to be able to listen without judgement, answer appropriately if needed, and look within myself to share my own grief and loss appropriately with her.
These posts over the past couple weeks, although they've come from a place of deep pain and questioning and frustration, have been a constant source of strength to me. I'll never understand the unique and vast difficulty of losing Scott as my spouse, but I'm so pleased and proud to have known him! I know the way his life and his family has impressed me is just the tiniest bit of a fraction of his mark here on Earth. And I'm positive that his impact is an incredible joy to him now, even in paradise.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts and prayers continue to be with you!