Regrets

I think with every unexpected death comes regrets.  Scott's death is no exception to this.  I certainly have my regrets - words I wish I had spoken, things I wish we had a chance to do together, opportunities I wish I had taken to spend time with him and chose instead to do something that "needed" done.

I wish I had done a better job of encouraging him, of letting him know how much I loved him and needed him.  I wish I had encouraged him more in following his huge dreams instead of allowing fear and insecurity to hold me back.

I know that I am not alone in these regrets as many of his friends and family have shared their regrets with me over time not spent with Scott and opportunities not taken to share with him how much he touched and changed their lives.

While not of these regrets would have lengthened Scott's life, perhaps he would have been more at peace with himself and his accomplishments in life over the past several years.  Perhaps this is why these regrets are so strong in my thoughts at this moment.  I am holding onto the hope that the last three years of Scott's struggle with depression are making these first moments face to face with Christ even brighter -- as it always is when coming from darkness into the light.

While I know I need to let go of these regrets, I want to learn from them.  I want to learn to encourage people every chance I get, learn to share with others what impact they have had on my life, and to make the most of every opportunity to spend time with those I love.  I pray that we all learn these lessons from whatever regrets we might have from Scott's death or another loved one's death.

I am sharing a poem that I wrote ten years ago.  I shared it in the bulletin for Scott's funeral service, but wanted to share it here as it reminds me of where I need to be right now -- resting in God's arms.

RESTING IN THE ARMS OF GOD

Written by Lori Bradley 11/13/02

We rush through life at a hurried pace;

Frequently forgetting the meaning of running God's race.

Too distracted with all of life's adventures,

To hear God's softly spoken voice.

"I will lead and guide you,

If only you will pause to hear.

I have the peace and rest you are looking for.

Come and seek me instead of the world."

One powerful word was clearly spoken.

In that silent moment, He spoke my name.

The noises of the world fade away,

As I slowly draw closer to His knee.

Hesitating just a bit, I climb into His lap.

I release a breath and relax into His wonderful arms.

Why did I wait so long,

To rest in His strong, loving arms.

The world fades in the distance.

It's just the Lord and I.

I unload all my worries and stress,

He handles them lovingly in his capable hands.

He speaks softly, "I have waited for you to notice.

I gave everything to call you my own.

I have so much to share with you.

I love, I will never leave you alone."

I look into His tender, loving face.

Realization hits -- this is what I was searching for.

He was here, waiting all of the time.

For me to pause long enough to hear His whispered word.

Peace settles into my heart,

As the music of God's soul ripples around me.

Awe holds me still and silent.

Waves of God's holiness and righteousness wash over me.

I never want to leave this place,

Deep in the soul of God on sacred ground.