Stunned and Shocked
This was written a little over 24 hours after Scott's death.
I can't believe that I am planning Scott's funeral. It is 4:00 a.m. and I can't sleep. My heart and my mind cannot wrap themselves around the loss of my soulmate and best friend. It is a deep intense feeling of loneliness even though I am surrounded by the love and care of our family and friends.
Words cannot express the difficulty of telling our seven year old daughter that her daddy was in heaven and wouldn't be able to take her for slushies, teach her more about the sports that they both loved so much, wouldn't be around to be silly with her, to grill her future boyfriends, walk her down the aisle at her wedding, or play with her children. She has lots of heartbreaking and hard to answer questions, such as why did Daddy have to die and what does heaven look like.
Scott embraced life with everything that he had in him. He held nothing back in his love of his family and friends. Scott was a dreamer and dreamed big dreams about what he wanted for the future. I sometimes felt that his dreams were too big and almost impossible to achieve. He would frequently remind me that half the fun in life is dreaming about the possibilities even if he never took a step toward achieving most of them. Scott tried always to focus on the positives and possibilities and often made lists to remind himself of what he had that was important to him -- friends and family were always top of that list. He was a very loyal friend and was always looking for ways to help his friends. I remember a time he collected all the loose change in the house which amounted to over $300 and mailed it anonymously to a friend that he knew was struggling financially. Another friend he bought a new pair of good sneakers every year since he knew this friend had foot and back issues and could not afford to buy good shoes.
Scott was always encouraging me to loosen up, be silly, and be more spontaneous. By nature that is almost the complete opposite of me and he balanced me out in that regard. He always encouraged me to follow my dreams. Without his big dreams (and often pushing me and prodding me along with him in the pursuit of his dreams), Jaelyn and I would be left in a significantly different position financially. And while I would give everything away to have him back with me, I know that his forward planning for our future security resulted in what he would have wanted for Jaelyn and I if he had known he was going to die.
I see God's hands in all the major decisions we made over the past year, as well as the more minor decisions over the past week or two, as the best choices to prepare us for this difficult time. I had chosen to take off of work this past Wednesday since I knew Scott didn't work. Since Scott started working second shift, time for family was greatly limited. This allowed us to have a good time doing things together and making some good memories. I will always be grateful for that day and the time spent enjoying each other and Jaelyn's company.
I have been overwhelmed with the outpouring of support from our family and friends, both close by and all around the world. I have greatly appreciated hearing all the stories of the lives that Scott has touched and changed over the years -- some stories that I'm not sure Scott ever knew about or realized what he had done to touch people's lives. Scott struggled with depression and anxiety over the past three years after a life threatening scare following a knee surgery. It made him question what he had accomplished in his life and what he had done to change the world. He believed that it is our responsibility to do what we could to change the world for the better. I'm not sure he ever realized how much he changed the world by each life that was changed because he was in it. Please don't wait until someone dies to share with their family how much they changed your life. While that is important for the family to hear, tell the person now. You don't know how much you may change and encourage someone to know the impact that they have had on your life.
I know my life is forever changed because of Scott being a part of my life. We had a short fifteen years together, thirteen years married, not the lifetime we had planned, but we packed an awful lot of living in those fifteen years together. I love you Scott! Jaelyn and I miss you tremendously and think of you constantly. You will never be forgotten and will be in our hearts forever.
I can't believe that I am planning Scott's funeral. It is 4:00 a.m. and I can't sleep. My heart and my mind cannot wrap themselves around the loss of my soulmate and best friend. It is a deep intense feeling of loneliness even though I am surrounded by the love and care of our family and friends.
Words cannot express the difficulty of telling our seven year old daughter that her daddy was in heaven and wouldn't be able to take her for slushies, teach her more about the sports that they both loved so much, wouldn't be around to be silly with her, to grill her future boyfriends, walk her down the aisle at her wedding, or play with her children. She has lots of heartbreaking and hard to answer questions, such as why did Daddy have to die and what does heaven look like.
Scott embraced life with everything that he had in him. He held nothing back in his love of his family and friends. Scott was a dreamer and dreamed big dreams about what he wanted for the future. I sometimes felt that his dreams were too big and almost impossible to achieve. He would frequently remind me that half the fun in life is dreaming about the possibilities even if he never took a step toward achieving most of them. Scott tried always to focus on the positives and possibilities and often made lists to remind himself of what he had that was important to him -- friends and family were always top of that list. He was a very loyal friend and was always looking for ways to help his friends. I remember a time he collected all the loose change in the house which amounted to over $300 and mailed it anonymously to a friend that he knew was struggling financially. Another friend he bought a new pair of good sneakers every year since he knew this friend had foot and back issues and could not afford to buy good shoes.
Scott was always encouraging me to loosen up, be silly, and be more spontaneous. By nature that is almost the complete opposite of me and he balanced me out in that regard. He always encouraged me to follow my dreams. Without his big dreams (and often pushing me and prodding me along with him in the pursuit of his dreams), Jaelyn and I would be left in a significantly different position financially. And while I would give everything away to have him back with me, I know that his forward planning for our future security resulted in what he would have wanted for Jaelyn and I if he had known he was going to die.
I see God's hands in all the major decisions we made over the past year, as well as the more minor decisions over the past week or two, as the best choices to prepare us for this difficult time. I had chosen to take off of work this past Wednesday since I knew Scott didn't work. Since Scott started working second shift, time for family was greatly limited. This allowed us to have a good time doing things together and making some good memories. I will always be grateful for that day and the time spent enjoying each other and Jaelyn's company.
I have been overwhelmed with the outpouring of support from our family and friends, both close by and all around the world. I have greatly appreciated hearing all the stories of the lives that Scott has touched and changed over the years -- some stories that I'm not sure Scott ever knew about or realized what he had done to touch people's lives. Scott struggled with depression and anxiety over the past three years after a life threatening scare following a knee surgery. It made him question what he had accomplished in his life and what he had done to change the world. He believed that it is our responsibility to do what we could to change the world for the better. I'm not sure he ever realized how much he changed the world by each life that was changed because he was in it. Please don't wait until someone dies to share with their family how much they changed your life. While that is important for the family to hear, tell the person now. You don't know how much you may change and encourage someone to know the impact that they have had on your life.
I know my life is forever changed because of Scott being a part of my life. We had a short fifteen years together, thirteen years married, not the lifetime we had planned, but we packed an awful lot of living in those fifteen years together. I love you Scott! Jaelyn and I miss you tremendously and think of you constantly. You will never be forgotten and will be in our hearts forever.
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