Reflections
As I sit and reflect back over my first week back to work, what strikes me the most is the surprise at when the grief hits. I have had many conversations at work this week with co-workers and friends. It surprised me that I was mostly unemotional during these conversations. I have found that conversations with those who I know have experienced a significant loss in their life tend to bring the most emotion -- from both of us. I think once one has experienced a significant loss that anytime someone else experiences a significant loss, it brings back those feelings of grief again. My parents have shared that losing Scott has brought back the grief over losing Jason all over again.
The idea of someone else truly understanding the deep grief brings it welling to the surface in almost an instantaneous way, with a sense of shared grief. Shared grief brings a release of tears without feeling self conscious or a feeling of making someone uncomfortable. Often just the act of meeting someone's eyes who I know has suffered a loss of someone significant will instantly bring tears to my eyes and a very real sense of not being alone. I'm coming to realize the importance having people to talk to who have lost a loved one as the sense of someone understanding what you are thinking and feeling is so important to moving forward and not staying stuck in the grief.
I think the most significant contact for me in facing my grief so far was talking with my cousin's husband last weekend. My cousin Crystal passed away about 6 or 7 years ago, leaving her husband and children behind. When I attended my aunt and uncle's 50th wedding anniversary celebration I knew that I would see Dave. I was nervous about it, knowing that as soon as I made eye contact with him, that I would cry. I don't like crying in front of people. It makes me feel too vulnerable. Yet the moment we made eye contact and he gave me a hug, I began to cry. I realized in that moment that it is easier being vulnerable with someone who understands exactly what I am going through. While Dave has been able to move forward through his grief and with his life and has remarried, it was easy to see that sharing my grief with me brought back some of his feelings of grief over the loss of Crystal. It was encouraging to talk with Dave about the lessons he learned in the process -- things he was glad he did for himself and his kids, listening to what they wanted and needed, etc. It gives me hope for the future and knowing that we can and will make it through and life will get easier.
While most people have not experienced a significant loss of this type, their words of encouragement, compassion, and sorrow have a profound effect as well. It is important to know that people care and that your loved one is not forgotten. Please don't think that if you haven't experienced a significant loss or cannot imagine facing this kind of loss that your words, thoughts and prayers do not help. They help significantly as I have talked about in some of my posts on this blog as well as on facebook. My focus in this specific posting is the importance of those who have walked this path sharing with those who are walking it now or will walk it in the future.
The idea of someone else truly understanding the deep grief brings it welling to the surface in almost an instantaneous way, with a sense of shared grief. Shared grief brings a release of tears without feeling self conscious or a feeling of making someone uncomfortable. Often just the act of meeting someone's eyes who I know has suffered a loss of someone significant will instantly bring tears to my eyes and a very real sense of not being alone. I'm coming to realize the importance having people to talk to who have lost a loved one as the sense of someone understanding what you are thinking and feeling is so important to moving forward and not staying stuck in the grief.
I think the most significant contact for me in facing my grief so far was talking with my cousin's husband last weekend. My cousin Crystal passed away about 6 or 7 years ago, leaving her husband and children behind. When I attended my aunt and uncle's 50th wedding anniversary celebration I knew that I would see Dave. I was nervous about it, knowing that as soon as I made eye contact with him, that I would cry. I don't like crying in front of people. It makes me feel too vulnerable. Yet the moment we made eye contact and he gave me a hug, I began to cry. I realized in that moment that it is easier being vulnerable with someone who understands exactly what I am going through. While Dave has been able to move forward through his grief and with his life and has remarried, it was easy to see that sharing my grief with me brought back some of his feelings of grief over the loss of Crystal. It was encouraging to talk with Dave about the lessons he learned in the process -- things he was glad he did for himself and his kids, listening to what they wanted and needed, etc. It gives me hope for the future and knowing that we can and will make it through and life will get easier.
While most people have not experienced a significant loss of this type, their words of encouragement, compassion, and sorrow have a profound effect as well. It is important to know that people care and that your loved one is not forgotten. Please don't think that if you haven't experienced a significant loss or cannot imagine facing this kind of loss that your words, thoughts and prayers do not help. They help significantly as I have talked about in some of my posts on this blog as well as on facebook. My focus in this specific posting is the importance of those who have walked this path sharing with those who are walking it now or will walk it in the future.
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