Moments of Reflection

I'm sitting in the quiet house (Jaelyn is in bed and the dogs are asleep), thinking back over the day.  Sometimes the quietness after family leaves seems to highlight the absence of Scott.  It was a good day, filled with family.  It was the first picnic at the new house.  It was so nice that most of the Bradley family, including Aunt Faye and Uncle Howard, as well as my parents were able to come for the day.  We were missing two people due to distance and schedule – Nando and Abbey – and two due to heaven – Jason and Scott.  It feels so odd to entertain without Scott – he was so much more the social planner than me.  He thrived on time spent with family and friends.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy those times, but Scott craved those times. 

We are coming up on ten months since Scott’s death and it still seems surreal.  Life continues to move forward, although many times I wish I could simply rewind time.  I am dreading the year mark, and yet at times wish I could fast forward to get the anniversary over with.  It sounds terrible, but the anniversary is the biggest mark of time moving forward without Scott and as such, it brings pain just in the thought.

I think the past year has been the year of the biggest and most changes of my entire life.  My mother-in-law’s major stroke just over a year ago was the beginning of the major changes in our lives.  The worry and fear turning to fighting for care and planning for the future were a major part of our lives for the five months leading up to Scott’s death.  Scott’s death was like an atomic bomb going off and my focus shifted from supporting Scott and his family in caring for and encouraging his parents to struggling through the depths of grief, caring for and protecting Jaelyn, and trying to swim through all the challenges and struggles that come with the unexpected death of a spouse. 

In the midst of trying to balance mine and Jaelyn’s emotional stability and health, along with sorting through all of the financial and legal paperwork, I totaled my car, bought a house, remodeled a house, moved, and changed jobs. I could not have gotten through all of this without the motivating love for my little girl and the love, care, and help from family and friends.  So many people have stepped up and helped us in each stage and step that we have gone through, whether through physical help, verbal and written encouragement, or prayer.   I am hoping and praying for a calmer year, with fewer boulders to climb over and valleys to crawl through.  Yet, I know that whatever comes our way, God will give us the strength, the support, and the tools to get through – and not just get through, but triumphantly.