"I miss Daddy"

I’m sitting on the back deck wrapped in a blanket.  Jaelyn just went to bed.  Most nights tucking her into bed is a fairly quick routine, especially since we moved and she is on the top bunk of the bunk bed.  No more begging mommy to lay down with her for a little bit – climbing those steps on a bunk bed was so much easier when I was 5 or 6!  Tonight Jaelyn was more talkative than normal, in a serious mode, not a stalling mode.  One of the things that has concerned me is that although I know that she misses her daddy, she doesn’t often say that she misses him without me asking her if she is missing him when I see her having a rough time.  Tonight I turned on her digital picture frame as I was tucking her into bed and watched a few pictures with her.  After watching a few, Jaelyn turned to me and said, “Mommy, I miss daddy.”  We talked for a few minutes about missing daddy.  I think the warm weather and doing more things outside highlights for her, just as for me, that her daddy is missing.  He thrived on being outside, no matter the weather, sometimes just sitting and taking in the sights and sounds around him and sometimes doing sports or other physical activities. 

I think a lot about the loss of her daddy in her life.  I think about all the things he had started teaching her – about sports, sportsmanship, love of nature and water, seeing God in nature.  I worry about Jaelyn growing up without a strong, positive male influence in the house.  Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate and treasure the strong, positive male influences that she does have in her life, but no one can replace her daddy and his impact on her life. I pray that Jaelyn will always remember the gentle, caring, fun-loving man that her daddy was – and look for that kind of man when she is old enough to be looking for a life partner.

I can see the stars starting to show up in the sky as it gets darker.  The neighborhood is quiet, although I can hear cars and people in the distance.  It is peaceful, just the time of the evening that Scott loved the most.  Jaelyn asked me earlier this week if we could do a night walk.  I told her that it would have to be Friday or Saturday night.  To be honest, I’m not really looking forward to it – Scott loved to take night walks – and I haven’t been on one since his death.  I’m sure that most, if not all of that walk, will be filled with conversation about Scott.  I don’t really want to take a night walk without Scott – it doesn’t seem right.  Of course I will take a night walk with Jaelyn – I know this is what she wants and for her to ask to do something because it makes her think about her daddy is a huge step.  In the beginning, Jaelyn avoided anything that made her think of her daddy.  I am glad to see her treasuring her memories of her daddy and wanting to do things that make her think about him.  It is a sign of healing.