Sucker Punched by Grief

Wow -- I think both Jaelyn and I were sucker punched by grief this weekend.  It was a rough weekend emotionally.  I don't think I was prepared for how hard the grief hit this weekend.  This was the first "normal" weekend since Scott's death and maybe that is why it hit us so hard. I also think the reality of Scott being gone is starting to hit.  I don't feel as numb inside as I have most of the last three weeks.   I'm not sure if Jaelyn's reaction was simply playing off my emotions as I've noticed she has tended to do since Scott's death, or if it was similar to mine in reacting to Scott being missing from our "normal" time.  I have felt the tears just boiling inside me, begging to spill over all the time this weekend.  I have tried to control it because of concern for how Jaelyn would handle it.  I'm not sure that I did a great job of controlling it, I think it made me have a shorter temper and be less patient with Jaelyn. 

Church was difficult today.  Jaelyn didn't want to separate from me to go to Sunday School, so I spent some time in Sunday School with her until she was able to let me go.  I think I cried through at least a third of the service, not because of anything in particular that was said or sung, just because my emotions were so close to the surface that anytime I paused with time to think - the emotions just seeped out. 

I really appreciated time spent with my friend Lori tonight.  I went next door to her house this evening and was sharing what a difficult weekend it was emotionally and how much I had felt like crying all weekend.  She simply reached over, grabbed a tissue box and set it by me, and said, " I have plenty of tissues."  We had a long talk about everything that was boiling inside me emotionally and I was able to cry while we were talking.  While I am still teary eyed writing this, the intensity of the emotions I was feeling most of the weekend have eased from talking with Lori and sharing my emotions and feelings.  I am very thankful for friends to listen and encourage me to cry if I need to. 

I just came down from getting Jaelyn to bed -- she wouldn't let me leave until she was asleep.  She clung to my arms again with a ferocious intensity.  It took about an hour to get her to sleep tonight.  She talked about missing Daddy this weekend.  I think that when she feels sad and/or feels like crying, she translates that into anger -- which comes out as arguing and disrespect.  This made for a challenging weekend in addition to my own turmoil of emotions.  Please pray for consistency, patience, and wisdom in addressing the behaviors as well as helping her express her emotions in an appropriate manner. 

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