Stuck
This blog was written earlier today:
I'm sitting in the Veteran's Memorial at Fort Indiantown Gap National Cemetery. The sound of the fountains almost blocks out the sound of the lawnmowers. It is beautiful, with a clear sky and sunshine. Birds are singing and there is a peacefulness about this place.
I have been hit with such a flood of emotions today. I went to work, but was only able to stay for about twenty minutes. I have been unable to stop crying today. I'm not sure what has triggered the emotional onslaught today. I think the permanency of the situation is catching up to me. I miss Scott so much and am feeling so overwhelmed thinking about the future without Scott. It still seems like a bad dream that I will wake up from, then look back at the dream and be grateful that it was only a bad dream. Yet I know it isn't a bad dream, but reality.
I miss falling asleep with my head on Scott's chest listening to his heartbeat. I miss his teasing and that big grin. I miss his physical presence and his friendship. I miss his love for life and fun. I miss watching him showing his love and care for Jaelyn. I miss watching him play with Jaelyn and teach her new things.
I have always said that no one knows how strong they are until something happens that they have to be strong. It is more of not really having a choice -- you either curl up and "die" or pick up and move forward. Today I feel like I am stuck frozen in grief and unable to move. The tears keep coming without stopping today. I can hardly see through the tears to write.
In just six short weeks my life has changed and upended every thought or dream I had for the future. I feel so alone, there are only so many and only certain things that people can help with. Grieving and stepping forward are things that I have to do on my own, although others can help with those steps.
I'm sitting in the Veteran's Memorial at Fort Indiantown Gap National Cemetery. The sound of the fountains almost blocks out the sound of the lawnmowers. It is beautiful, with a clear sky and sunshine. Birds are singing and there is a peacefulness about this place.
I have been hit with such a flood of emotions today. I went to work, but was only able to stay for about twenty minutes. I have been unable to stop crying today. I'm not sure what has triggered the emotional onslaught today. I think the permanency of the situation is catching up to me. I miss Scott so much and am feeling so overwhelmed thinking about the future without Scott. It still seems like a bad dream that I will wake up from, then look back at the dream and be grateful that it was only a bad dream. Yet I know it isn't a bad dream, but reality.
I miss falling asleep with my head on Scott's chest listening to his heartbeat. I miss his teasing and that big grin. I miss his physical presence and his friendship. I miss his love for life and fun. I miss watching him showing his love and care for Jaelyn. I miss watching him play with Jaelyn and teach her new things.
I have always said that no one knows how strong they are until something happens that they have to be strong. It is more of not really having a choice -- you either curl up and "die" or pick up and move forward. Today I feel like I am stuck frozen in grief and unable to move. The tears keep coming without stopping today. I can hardly see through the tears to write.
In just six short weeks my life has changed and upended every thought or dream I had for the future. I feel so alone, there are only so many and only certain things that people can help with. Grieving and stepping forward are things that I have to do on my own, although others can help with those steps.
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