Challenges of a Grieving Single Parent

I started today on a fairly even keel emotionally. I’m learning which things are an automatic trigger to bring the raw edge of grief to the surface and bubbling over.  I use to somewhat enjoy some of the long drives that I do for work as time to talk with Scott or my parents mostly uninterrupted.  Now those same drives allow time to think with no distractions.  I find that when I am at home I have a tendency to keep myself busy doing something, even if it is as simple and mindless as playing solitaire.  This keeps me from thinking about things too much.  When I am driving alone I find my mind constantly drawn to thoughts of Scott and the tears bubble over.  Now that we are past the six week mark of Scott’s death, I think my mental and emotional numbness is wearing off and I find my emotions overflowing quickly.  The permanency and the hugeness of our loss hits like a ton of bricks and the grief comes in waves.  I thank God that while the waves of grief are strong, they are not tsunami strength – threatening to wash me away.  He knows that I could not handle such intensity and that I would not be able to parent Jaelyn if the waves were hitting with tsunami force.

It is challenging to allow myself to grieve with Jaelyn, yet control the intensity of that grief with her so it doesn’t overwhelm or frighten her.  While I am amazed at Jaelyn’s maturity and wisdom throughout the last six weeks, I continue to remind myself that she is only seven and I cannot expect her to handle things as an adult.   When we were at the cemetery on Sunday evening in the Veteran’s Memorial, I talked with her about that being a place that I like to come to when I am feeling sad or missing Daddy, just to cry and journal.  I want Jaelyn to understand that I grieve Scott’s loss deeply as does she, but that she is the most important thing in my life right now and she comes first.  We talk about Scott frequently – little things he would have done, things he would have said in certain situations, things he loved to do, and ways to keep his memory alive.

As I had posted about five weeks ago, my respect for single parents has increased exponentially.  Yet, the challenges I face as a single parent are only amplified by the challenges I face in helping Jaelyn grieve the loss of her father and make sure that she is grieving in a healthy way and finding the right help if she isn’t grieving in a healthy way.   This is all on top of working through my own grief, not to mention the monumental changes in our lives as a result of Scott’s death and sorting through all the legal paperwork since his death.  I know that all of these things take time, but in my typical impatient fashion, I would really like to be through the worst of the pain, the worst of the paperwork, the worst of the changes, and the worst of the grief.  Yet at the same time, I can’t imagine a time when the pain and grief will be less.  I know from experience that time will bring that about, but in my heart it is hard to comprehend this.