Emotional Overload
I had a two hour drive (one way) scheduled for today to see of the kids I'm working with. Normally I would talk to my parents or Scott when driving long distances for work. Today however, my parents weren't available as they were doing a stand at a show out of the area. This highlighted the fact that I couldn't talk with Scott either. Two hours in a van alone was not a great day -- too much time to think.
I'm not sure I can even describe all the emotions I'm experiencing today, but I'm going to give it a try. First is such an intense feeling of loneliness and missing the friendship that Scott and I had. I lost my best friend and it is in the quiet moments that this hits home the most. I still check my phone throughout the day for texts or phone messages from him. I miss him reminding me to loosen up, just relax, and not take things so seriously. I miss how he balanced me out and helped soften some of my edges.
I am struck by a sense of anger and unfairness. I have two grandmothers, both in their mid to upper 90's. Both are in nursing homes. While I love them both and would not wish anything to happen to them, I wonder why God would leave them here at their age and take Scott at age 40, who had really only lived half a life. Then there is a huge sense of being overwhelmed and anxious. Mentally I know that God is taking care of Jaelyn and I, but there is still a sense of anxiety for the future. I can't even explain why I feel such anxiety or pinpoint even even what it is exactly that I am anxious about.
Odd how I prefer silence more since Scott's death. I could probably count on one hand the number of times I have sat down to watch tv since his death. And music, whether soft rock or praise and worship, is almost all about love, heaven, and/or God -- all of which make me think about Scott and what he has gained and what Jaelyn and I have lost. Music right now can trigger tears quicker than anything else.
I'm sitting at a rest stop along the turnpike right now writing this post -- hoping it will clear some emotions so I don't have to hold back tears in order to drive safely. This is one of the worst things about grief -- you never know when or where the intensity will hit, but I have noticed that it tends to be the most inopportune times when I can't just stop and allow the release of emotions, either because of time or place or a sense that others may either be unable or unprepared to deal with the emotions. I learned that I cannot predict what will touch my emotions and what won't. I am puzzled at times by things that don't trigger emotions and then seemingly insignificant things can trigger such intense emotions. It is like riding a rollercoaster blindfolded, unable to see when the next curve or hill is coming and what direction it will take you. You can't prepare for what is coming next. There is a huge sense of being out of control and for someone like me who likes to plan everything out in advance, it is downright scary at times.
I'm not sure I can even describe all the emotions I'm experiencing today, but I'm going to give it a try. First is such an intense feeling of loneliness and missing the friendship that Scott and I had. I lost my best friend and it is in the quiet moments that this hits home the most. I still check my phone throughout the day for texts or phone messages from him. I miss him reminding me to loosen up, just relax, and not take things so seriously. I miss how he balanced me out and helped soften some of my edges.
I am struck by a sense of anger and unfairness. I have two grandmothers, both in their mid to upper 90's. Both are in nursing homes. While I love them both and would not wish anything to happen to them, I wonder why God would leave them here at their age and take Scott at age 40, who had really only lived half a life. Then there is a huge sense of being overwhelmed and anxious. Mentally I know that God is taking care of Jaelyn and I, but there is still a sense of anxiety for the future. I can't even explain why I feel such anxiety or pinpoint even even what it is exactly that I am anxious about.
Odd how I prefer silence more since Scott's death. I could probably count on one hand the number of times I have sat down to watch tv since his death. And music, whether soft rock or praise and worship, is almost all about love, heaven, and/or God -- all of which make me think about Scott and what he has gained and what Jaelyn and I have lost. Music right now can trigger tears quicker than anything else.
I'm sitting at a rest stop along the turnpike right now writing this post -- hoping it will clear some emotions so I don't have to hold back tears in order to drive safely. This is one of the worst things about grief -- you never know when or where the intensity will hit, but I have noticed that it tends to be the most inopportune times when I can't just stop and allow the release of emotions, either because of time or place or a sense that others may either be unable or unprepared to deal with the emotions. I learned that I cannot predict what will touch my emotions and what won't. I am puzzled at times by things that don't trigger emotions and then seemingly insignificant things can trigger such intense emotions. It is like riding a rollercoaster blindfolded, unable to see when the next curve or hill is coming and what direction it will take you. You can't prepare for what is coming next. There is a huge sense of being out of control and for someone like me who likes to plan everything out in advance, it is downright scary at times.
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