Reflections

I’m sitting reflecting on the past two days.  As rough as yesterday was emotionally, I’m thankful that I was able to take time to face the emotions and work through them.  So often when emotions hit, it is an inopportune time and emotions get stuffed down for later, but later doesn’t come.  I know that grief is a process and I am only in the beginning stages.  Everyone’s journey through grief is different, although many of the emotions may be the same.  I am learning to be more in tune to my emotions than I probably have been at any point in my life. 

The time I spent at the Veteran’s Memorial at the cemetery yesterday with my journal, bible, and a box of tissues was not planned ahead of time.  I knew that I needed to be outside somewhere peaceful and quiet.  I didn’t know where I was going to end up when I left home that morning.  I have tried over the last two days to explain the power of the Veteran’s Memorial to friends and have had a difficult time putting it into words.  The interior of the Memorial gives a sense of sitting in an old bombed out cathedral (similar to the cathedrals one would find in Europe), yet with the trees and fountains planted inside, it gives a sense of hope and life.  There is a peacefulness there and a stillness that for me just reflect a sense of God’s presence.  It is a space that Scott would have enjoyed as it combines many things he enjoyed – a sense of travel in the cathedral feel, a sense of an outdoor church – Scott always felt closer to God in nature, and running water in the fountains – Scott always loved to sit next to a stream and listen to the water, it relaxed him.  I find myself craving the spaces and places that Scott enjoyed the most. 

I am grateful that my journey through grief does not leave me unable to function, but has good days and bad.  I am beginning to see some patterns to my roller coaster ride.  I see that bad days are usually followed by a few good days.  I’m not sure if this is because of the release of emotions that usually accompanies rough days, but whatever the reason, I am grateful as I think the good days give me the strength to get through the rough days.   I believe that the journaling has been extremely helpful in understanding my emotions and being able to face this journey.  I have been reading a book since yesterday about journaling through difficult times, whether a death of a loved one, divorce, loss of a job, etc.  In one of the stories, a woman shares her journaling after the death of her seven day old little girl.  She talks about 19 years later going back and re-reading her journals throughout her grief journey and how important it was for her to concretely see the progress she had made in the journey.  Sometimes the progress through the journey was so gradual for her that she couldn’t see the progress she had made without looking back over her journals.  This gave her hope that she could keep going.  Maybe one day my journaling will give me the same hope and encouragement.