Pain

While Scott's notebooks and journaling have been a source of comfort, there has also been pain associated with them as well.  As I'm sure anyone who journals knows, not everything is positive that is written.  As one would expect, it is difficult to read when he is expressing his frustrations with me and our marriage -- and I have no opportunity to discuss it with him now.   The last three years of our marriage were challenging and difficult due to leaving Milton Hershey under challenging circumstances and Scott's depression and anxiety.   Living with someone with depression and anxiety is a rollercoaster ride -- you never quite know where you stand -- is he being quiet because he is depressed or because he is upset with me. It is very easy to take the depression personally.  We really drew apart during this time.  Scott was the type of person to hold his feelings in and had difficulty expressing them.  I suppose, now that I think about it, we were fairly similar in that aspect.  Communication was definitely not the strong point in our relationship.  Seems ironic since we both liked to journal -- guess the issue with communication was verbal communication.  We both had difficulties talking verbally about our feelings, not necessarily about other things. 

I do think, reflecting on what Scott wrote about our marriage, that we were moving forward in addressing the issues.  The notes that I found are not dated, so I do not know at what point over the past three years they were written.   I am grateful that we were moving forward in the process -- of putting each other first, making time to do things together, talking more.  However, I wish we had been much further along in the process -- maybe I wouldn't have so many regrets and "I wish" thoughts.  I did not do a good job of showing Scott how much I loved him and put him first.  I will forever be grateful for the Wednesday before his death.  I took off of work to spend the day with Scott and Jaelyn since he didn't have to work that day.  It was a really good day spent together -- the morning with Scott and Jaelyn riding bike, and the afternoon with Scott in the pool together while Jaelyn was at a friend's house.  It was a day of feeling really connected with Scott.  The memories of that day are so precious to me now.