"The Wild Mouse"

My emotions are swirling tonight.  I am coming to hate this rollercoaster ride called grief and I have just started the ride with no end in sight.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I hate amusement park rides and the only reason that I rode a rollercoaster on our trip to Hershey Park two weeks ago was because of how much I love my daughter.  Yet here I am on a rollercoaster that I can’t get off of and didn’t have a choice in whether or not I was going to ride it.  Tonight my emotions feel like riding the Wild Mouse.  Anyone reading my Facebook posts two weeks ago knows that I hated the Wild Mouse and wouldn’t ride it again.  But right now that is how I would describe my rollercoaster of grief.  I feel like I am whipping around corners with whiplash speed from a mostly even emotional space to facing grief headfirst, then to the highs of enjoying Jaelyn, taking pride in my work, to the lows of filing at the courthouse for Scott’s estate today.  I don’t know which way I’m going to turn next or how many hills and bumps are on this rollercoaster ride.  I frequently wonder how I can be so dry-eyed at one moment and at another cannot keep the tears from pouring down my face.  What a crazy ride this is.

I am missing Scott intensely right now and wishing for his insight and advice in sorting through all the legalities, paperwork, and finances.   I’m not used to making decisions without conferring with Scott.  Although anyone who knew Scott any length of time knew that he was not a quick decision maker and took forever to make even the simplest decision, I could always trust that he had completely thought through every aspect and possibility before making a decision.  While I processed things quicker than Scott and often became impatient with how long it took him to come to the same decision I had already decided was best, I did appreciate the care that Scott took to make the right decision.  On the occasions when we disagreed, I rarely was able to get Scott swayed to my side as he had thought through things so thoroughly that he could put forth a much better and more logical argument than me and he would not back down easily. 

There is a huge responsibility on my shoulders to plan for the future that was shared between the two of us.  I pray for wisdom and confer with friends, family, and attorney about plans for the future, but it isn’t the same – it isn’t their future that they have a stake in when thinking through things.  I’m not saying that I don’t trust their advice or believe that it is the best advice, but it is for my life not their own.  I do believe that I am making wise decisions, but only time will show if that is true.  My future looks so different from what Scott and I had planned together – changes in plans for the best for Jaelyn and I versus the best for Scott, Jaelyn, and I.