Identity Change

Yesterday I finally made it to the benefits office at work to update my health insurance and my beneficiaries for my death benefits and retirement.  It is the first time since Scott's death that I have filled out a form that asked for marital status.  It was like a hit between the eyes and I had to stop and think what to put in that spot.  It was very hard to write the word widow.   I still can't bring myself to change my facebook status to widow.  In my mind my marital status is married. 

I feel like my whole identity has changed since Scott's death.  I am no longer a wife. I am no longer Scott's wife, I am Scott's widow.  This change feels so big to me that it feels like it is stamped on my forehead.   I sometimes wonder how I can look and act normally enough that those who do not know me cannot tell that my life has drastically and tragically changed in the past six weeks.  It is a surreal experience to function "normally" when something so huge and emotionally devastating has happened. It is a mental challenge to adjust to my new identity.

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