Random Thoughts: Anger Without Place and Capturing God’s Presence

 

I’ve had some random thoughts floating through my head over the past couple of days.   Saturday morning was a rough morning with Jaelyn being cranky and grumpy for no apparent reason.  If I truly got to the root of the problem, it was that she didn’t want to go shopping with me that morning.  It was then that I really got angry in my spirit – not outwardly.  Outwardly I remained calm and reminded her that since Daddy’s death, I am the only one to take care of shopping, cleaning, etc.  This means that she is going to have to go with me to do things she doesn’t enjoy, that this is just the way life is right now.  Inwardly I felt like joining in her temper tantrum and screaming and crying, “This isn’t fair!”  I am angry at the situation, but because Scott’s death wasn’t anyone’s fault, there is no where to place that anger.   I have found myself getting angry over the situation more often than I have over the past fourteen months.  I’m not sure if it is because I am getting past the point of realistically being able to deny it has happened or if reality is simply setting in.  I am usually aware in the moment of anger why I am angry, but usually life doesn’t allow me the luxury of exploring those emotions at the time.  I have to tuck them away to think about later – maybe this is why I have been thinking about it for a couple of days now. 

Another thing that I have been thinking about for a couple of days is my new hobby of photography.  I have found myself wondering why photography is so relaxing and calming for me.  I think that I may have figured it out today.  And in that “aha” moment, realized that Scott and I were more alike than I may have thought.  Scott always wanted to be in nature, either actively experiencing it or sitting and taking it all in.   This was always how he experienced God.  I realized tonight while I was taking photos that taking these photos and working with them later is one way that I feel closer to God and in a sense capture His presence.  When I look back at those photos, they bring a sense of peace and stillness that I experienced in the moment they were taken.

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