Tripping over memories

 

Today, while avoiding cleaning by organizing and decluttering, I came across the sign-in book from Scott’s viewing and funeral, as well as laminated copies of his obituary. I don’t know if I will ever get use to seeing it in black and white.  I know that I write about Scott’s death and our grief journey frequently, but there is just something heart wrenching about seeing it in print from a newspaper and in the Funeral binder from the funeral home.  As I sat reading through the names of everyone who came to the viewing and/or funeral, there were many names of people that I don’t remember talking to at the time.  I know that I talked to a lot of people, many I didn’t/don’t know that were connected to Scott or his family.  But there are family members from my side of the family that I don’t remember talking to.   It is all a blur really.  I wish I could remember all the conversations from those two days with all the people who loved Scott and/or his/our family.

I also found (and put in a safe place) the dvd of the funeral service and the slide show of photos. I sat and looked at the dvd of the funeral service in my hand for quite a while, wondering if I will ever be able to sit and watch it.  I’m not ready for that now, just like I cannot listen to Scott’s message on my cell phone left just minutes before his death.  I think that one day these items will be a treasure that I will be grateful to have.  Today it was just heart wrenching and brought all the so intense emotions back to the forefront.  Sometimes I think that I miss him more now than I did right after his death – maybe it is the reality truly sinking in.