Loss, Healing, and Family

Over the last couple of days I have been thinking back over our grief journey.  We are drawing near to the year anniversary of Scott's death.  The pain was so intense in the beginning that all I could think and pray for was for the pain to lessen.  What I didn't realize was that as the pain lessens, the memories of touch, smell, and sound fade as well.  It is becoming harder to remember the touch of his hand on mine, the fresh and clean scent after a shower or the sweaty smell after working or exercising (yes, I even miss the sweaty smell), the sound of his voice and his laugh.  I am grateful that the intense pain of loss has lessened, but it is so hard to have those sensory memories fade -- I want them to remain vivid and clear. 

I am beyond grateful and thankful for the healing that I have seen in Jaelyn over the past eleven months.  To hear her laughing so hard she was almost crying on the Fourth of July at her cousin, Emma, was priceless.  It really has hit in the last couple of months to hear her laugh and giggle, how much I missed that humor and spontaneity in her for so long after Scott's death.  I am so proud of how she treasures her memories of her daddy and is able to find joy and happiness in remembering him. 

We still miss Scott very much.  We have managed to keep moving forward, finding a new normal, and finding ways to incorporate Scott and our memories into that new normal.  It is still a journey and moving forward at our own pace.  When we attended the Bradley reunion last weekend, it really hit me how far we have come.  So many of the extended family have only seen us a handful of times since Scott's death and when they see us -- without Scott, the loss hits so fresh for them.  Because we live with the grief and loss every day, we are much further in the grief journey and the loss is not fresh anymore.  This is not to say that we don't miss Scott or grieve his loss.  We definitely still have our difficult moments, but those are not as constant or frequent as they had been. 

It was so good to take Jaelyn to meet and spend time with her extended Bradley family.  It is important for her to know them as her family and her connection to her daddy.  When you marry into a family, you think of them as your family . . . and this has only become more clear to me since Scott's death.  I have always felt accepted and loved by Scott's family, but since Scott's death I have truly felt that acceptance and love just surround Jaelyn and I -- supporting, praying for us, and loving us.

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