Rambling Emotions

As the year mark approaches I find myself frequently replaying different memories from Scott's death and the aftermath.  What I remember so clearly are the emotions and numbness flooding my mind and body at the time.  I recall the horror and the difficulty of making those phone calls to tell people about Scott's death.  I remember the surreal phone calls with the organ donation organization only to determine that he could not be an organ donor due to travel outside of the US during a certain time frame.  I remember searching through the safe for all the vital documents for planning the funeral/burial and for life insurance.  And, possibly the most difficult of all, figuring out the best way to tell a little girl that her father was gone. 

In that instant our lives changed forever.  And while we have managed to move forward and put our lives back together, we are forever changed by Scott's life and death.  I know how our family faced my brother's traumatic accident, twelve years of major handicaps and life threatening health problems, and his subsequent death shaped who I am today and how I have faced this major and traumatic life change.  A lot of how I have faced this has been a conscious choice and part of it instinctive.

 Nothing has made me angrier in the past year than the few (thankfully, few) occasions when someone felt it necessary to instruct me how I should grieve, how I should grieve with Jaelyn, and how to live my life.  If there is one thing I have learned, there is not one right way to grieve.  I do believe that there are some wrong ways to grieve by avoiding, denying, and isolating. While it is necessary to have a little of all three in order to protect yourself in this process, the problem comes if you remain there. Every person is different and every person processes things differently. 

Grief is very much a learning process -- learning about yourself and your emotions.  I think I am more in touch with my emotions and aware of what I am feeling at any given moment.  I am learning to make sure that I take the time to work through my emotions when I sense them building up.  I see so strongly the need for a positive adult male in Jaelyn's life.  I am beyond grateful with the bond that she has with my dad, that he lives close by and is able to give Jaelyn that close positive adult male relationship that she craves so much right now.  I am so proud of Jaelyn and how she is maturing as a beautiful young lady.

My emotions and thoughts are all over the place tonight as obvious in my ramblings.