Circle of Gold

 

As many of you know, I have been wearing Scott’s wedding ring since his death.  I find great comfort in having and wearing it.  I have not been able to wear my wedding rings for many years due to weight changes and needing it resized.  I felt a deep need right after Scott’s death for that connection and in the past fifteen months his ring has rarely left my hand. 

Lately I have found myself thinking about his ring.  It is comforting to feel the warmth and smoothness between my fingers when I am thinking about him or stressed out.  I would often spin it on Scott’s finger when we held hands or were sitting and talking or watching TV.  Now I find myself spinning it on my finger.

Although fifteen months has gone by since Scott’s death, I find myself thinking about him more and more.  I thought that this grief journey would get easier after the first year and yet it hasn’t.   In the first year, the pain was often quite intense and overwhelming.  Now, entering the second year, the pain is that constant dull ache that never goes away.  I think it is the reality that this is now my reality, not simply a bad dream that I’m waiting to wake up from.

I push myself forward when giving up would be so easy to do.  I have often said and I will say it again, if I didn’t have Jaelyn to be a reason to move forward and focus outside myself, I’m sure this grief journey would look much different and be much uglier.  There are still ugly moments but I think that is to be expected.  These are the moments when I hold Scott’s wedding ring, feel its warmth from being on my hand and its smoothness, and remember the good times we had, the tough times we worked through, and the hope we had for the future.

I think, I hope, that Scott would be proud of us and how we have journeyed forward.  But I wish this journey wasn’t necessary.