Side Step or Step Back?

So, Jaelyn had her first sleepover since Scott’s death, away from mommy this past weekend.  I admit to being shocked when she called me from her play date to ask if she could sleep overnight.  I said yes, with some internal hesitation.  I have to admit the internal hesitation was more for what that meant for me – my first night alone without either Scott or Jaelyn in over 8 years.  I expected that I might get a call in the middle of the night to come pick her up.  But that didn’t happen.  I didn’t have a great night, but it wasn’t as overwhelming as I thought it might be.  Maybe that was because I didn’t have much time to think about it happening.

The days since the sleepover have been a test in patience for me.  Jaelyn has reverted to being more clingy and whiny.  She is asking me every night to lay with her until she falls asleep.  She isn’t quite back to the insecurity right after Scott’s death, but it is a definite couple of major steps back.   Although maybe I am looking at this wrong and this was simply her testing the water to make sure that I would still be there.  I’m not sure.  I’m just praying for patience, wisdom and strength.  Because Jaelyn requires more time for reassurance right now, this gives me less “me” time for rejuvenation, which in turn makes it harder to be patient with her.

I am missing Scott’s ability to lighten things up and add laughter into our home.  I am missing watching Scott and Jaelyn interact and play.  I miss sharing the work and fun of parenthood with him.  Scott was so much more patient than I am and he helped to temper my tendency towards impatience.  I feel so out of balance without Scott.