Stirring up Grief

It has been a tiring weekend, but a good one overall.  I find my emotions are simmering near the surface.  Packing to move is so much more emotional than I expected it to be.  It is really hard packing Scott’s things.  I know that I’m not packing them to get rid of them, just packing to move, but odd little items just bring tears to the eyes.  I have found so many little items that if Scott was alive I wouldn’t have any problem throwing away; but because of his death now hold so much more meaning.  I’m not sure why his old knee brace and industrial ice pack hit me so hard.  He hadn’t worn the knee brace in years. The knee brace is useless to anyone else as it was custom made for Scott.   The ice pack was one thing that frustrated me in the past because it was so big and took up so much room in the freezer.  I simply tucked these items into a packing bin until I am ready to get rid of them. 

I am grateful that Scott’s clothes were packed and put away a few months ago when I needed to reduce “clutter” in the house to prepare for the exterminator when we had a flea infestation.  I’m not sure that I would be able to pack his clothes without completely breaking down.  Honestly, I think I keep putting off packing because of these “emotional bombs” waiting among everything else.  I am required to make a decision about these things as I come to them – keep them and decide later, throw them away, save for a yard sale, or give away.  I have come to realize that the things that carry the emotional punch are the items I need to keep and decide about later.  Throw away becomes the items that aren’t worth anything to sell at a yard sale and wouldn’t mean anything special to someone else.  Give away items are those items that don’t carry an emotional punch but would have special meaning to someone else who was close to Scott, or items that do carry an emotional punch but would have special meaning to someone else and it would honor Scott’s memory to pass those items on.  Yard sale items are only the items that have no special meaning to myself, his family, or his friends, yet have some monetary worth.

I believe that there is much emotional work that will be done in the packing and unpacking process.  Yet I believe that this is necessary.  It forces me to face things that I would rather be in denial about and avoid.  If there is one thing that I have learned in this grief journey, it is that avoiding the pain and the tough issues/situations simply makes them harder when the pain/tough issues/situations cannot be avoided. 

I’m not sure if it is the moving process, but I find that Scott is constantly on my mind right now.  I am missing his companionship more and more.  I still find myself thinking, “Oh, I need to remember to tell Scott about that, he would think it was funny, be interested in that, etc.”  I found myself thinking that tonight on my drive back from Shippensburg.  When I look at pictures, I just want to hear his voice again, hear his laugh, watch him roughhousing with Jaelyn and the dogs, putting his arms around me, listening to his heart with my head on his chest.  I find myself craving time with him more and more as time goes on.  His death becomes more and more real and feels less as if he is simply away on a trip. 

Scott’s birthday is coming up, February 18^th. This would have been Scott’s 41^st birthday.   Jaelyn and I have talked about his birthday and how we want to celebrate.  We have decided to let a balloon go for him and will buy a gift in his memory for one of his friends that is in need.  Scott always took care of his friends and what better way to honor his memory than to continue to take care of his friends.