Kicking and Screaming into 2013

I have observed a surprising thing – surprising to me at least.  I have noticed that I am having a harder time with New Years and starting 2013 than I did over Christmas.  I prepared myself for Christmas to be hard and I’ve learned that sometimes the anticipation and preparation are harder than the actual event as I’ve grieved the loss for that event before it hits.  I didn’t really think about New Years and starting 2013 as being hard.  I think it really hits home that this is a new year without Scott.  There is always the theme around the new year of new beginnings.  I don’t want new beginnings, I want my old life back from six months to a year ago.  Mentally I feel like I am going into 2013 kicking and screaming.  There is such a finality to starting a new year.  Instead of focusing on the future, I find myself thinking about my regrets from the past.   I wish I hadn’t taken our time together for granted.  Honestly, I think it takes daily effort not to take your spouse for granted.  Even though buying a house is taking takes moving forward, I think I am finding a way to keep Scott with me as I move forward.   I find myself talking to my parents about Scott all the time when we are working on the new house. 

My mom and I were talking a few days ago about how much Jaelyn has been talking about her daddy lately, with playing in the snow.  My mom noted that Jaelyn talks about her daddy in the present tense most of the time.  I noted that I think it is because she sees things from a different perspective and she doesn’t think of him as not existing, he is simply away in heaven.  I often find myself referring to Scott in the present tense as well, for in my heart he still exists in the present. 

Although when I look back over the past five months I see how far Jaelyn and I have come in our grief journey, I see how far we still have to go.  I’m not sure when I will see myself as single instead of married.  I have had a number of people tell me, that I am young and can get married again.  That makes me angry.  It implies that Scott can be easily replaced, although I know this is not how it is intended. 

 While I cannot rule out getting married again, it is certainly not something that I am anywhere near ready to contemplate.   I can understand why some people get married again quickly after the death of a spouse.  The desire for companionship is very strong.  However, right now the thought of marrying again feels like cheating and a betrayal of Scott.  I know in time I may be more ready to consider the thought of remarriage, but I think it would take a special act of God to drop just the right person in my life at just the right time.

While at times I feel like I have accepted that Scott is gone, I also have moments of denial, shock, and disbelief.  It is like three steps forward, two steps back.  Sometimes it is two steps forward, three steps back.  Overall, we are doing remarkably well and handling things in a healthy way.  We still miss Scott dearly, especially when we are doing things that he loved to do.  All the snow this winter so far is really triggering memories for Jaelyn especially and she is missing her daddy even more now.