Steps in the grief journey

Every couple of months I receive a little booklet about the journey through grief from the funeral home.  Today I received the third book, “The Dimensions of Grief” by Doug Manning.  The focus of this booklet was on working through anger.  There were a few things that stood out to me in this booklet.

“Too often we try to change the way people feel, simply changing the way they think.  We seem to think if can just come up with a new way to look at a hurt then the person will automatically feel better.”  -- This is the best explanation for all the “comforting words” and seemingly thoughtless words that I have heard.  I find that most people, myself included, are uncomfortable when those around us are hurting.  Our natural instinct is to “fix” the hurt and so we try to find words to “fix” the hurt.  Often those words are hurtful to the one grieving as most “comfort” implies a diminished significance of the person’s life and the pain of the loss.  “If I could give you a totally logical reason why your loved one died and have it personally signed by God, your pain would not diminish at all.”  I know I have talked about this in previous blogs; that I have not really wanted to ask why Scott had to die, as that would not take away the pain.  In fact, the why might actually make me even angrier that it happened.  To me there is no purpose in asking why because it wouldn’t make the grief, pain, and loss any less intense.

There were a few suggestions in how to work through the anger in a positive way.  First one was to train your friends in what you need from them.  One suggestion that was given was to say, “I need your ears a lot more than I need your ideas or your attempts to cheer me up.  I need your presence more than I need your advice.  If you will just be comfortable with my tears and your silence, you can be the most wonderful friend in the world.”  I would also add that it is very hurtful when others have suggestions on how you should grieve.  This actually made me more angry than I have been at any point in this grief journey.  I cannot stress enough that each person’s grief journey is their own and there is no right or wrong way to go.  What gives me strength and helps me to get through, may not help someone else.  Don’t presume to know what is best for your friend or loved one in their journey through grief. 

 I have been following a Facebook page:  Dresses for Jake’s Date – this is written by parents who lost their young son.  They have started an organization to lend prom dresses to teenagers who are unable to afford them on their own, all in the name of their son Jake.   The mother posted a status today that says it better than I could: 

Ok kids...gather 'round...I feel something laid on my heart. When you face a traumatic event in your life...we'll use ours as the example...you have a choice in how to deal with it. I'm no stronger than anyone else...I just feel if I am still on this earth, even without Jacob, then...I'm not going to stick my head in the sand and let life pass me by. Don't fool yourself...there are PLENTY of days I'd rather stay in bed, and pull the covers up over my head...and some days, even give up...but I CHOOSE not to. and it's a struggle...BUT...I sometimes feel like everyone expects me to lay down and die. I HATE being here...on this path. I want Jacob back SO bad...but that's not the hand we were dealt. While I make decisions a little differently than I may have a year ago (how I treat others, my walk with God, etc), I'm not DEFINED by my son's death. I'm still me. I still like to laugh. I still love my husband. I still yell "boomer" when I see someone wearing a Sooners hat...

And I'm saying this because I know SO many of you are on a similar journey and you may feel lost...out of sorts. Guess what? it's OK to feel that way...but don't stay there. Reach out to someone who may have an idea what you're going through. Or if you know someone is hurting...reach out on their behalf. We have to take care of each other!

 

Among the other suggestions in this booklet was journaling.  As anyone who has read any of my blogs, it is obvious that journaling/blogging has been one of the main ways I am working my way through the grief.  This booklet explains the significance of journaling in a way that I couldn’t even put into words, even as I was/am using it to help me.  “Writing organizes your thoughts into understandable sequences.  Since grief is a journey under pressure, you may well forget the thoughts and feelings you had last week.  Writing makes it real to you.  Writing is a great way to learn.  The thoughts and feelings we have do not internalize and become part of us until they are shared.  Until we speak them or write them they are just in our heads and can be easily dismissed.  When we share these thoughts and feelings they become a part of us.  Then, and only then, have we really learned.  Healing comes when you acknowledge the pain, feel it and keep yourself open to the thoughts and emotions that accompany the most difficult experience that one has to face in life.”  I find that journaling is that time when I am still and facing what I am feeling and experiencing head on.  Too often I get too busy to face my emotions and that is when they tend to build up and then I get hit with one of those “sneaker waves” of grief that force me to take time to think about my feelings and what I am experiencing.  “Sneaker wave” can still hit even when I am taking time to be still, but the strength of them is not as strong as when I allow the emotions to build up.   I am grateful for all the encouraging words from friends and family to continue to share my journey on this blog.  I would never stop journaling, but probably would not have continued to share on such a public forum without friends and family sharing how it has helped them and encouraging me to continue.  My only prayer is that something from my journey might help someone else on their journey or allow someone to be a positive support on someone else’s journey.