Six Months

I have been thinking about Scott a lot with this move.  I have been missing his sense of humor and spontaneity in the move.  Simply putting out and hanging up pictures has been difficult.  It is harder emotionally now to look at pictures than it was earlier on in this journey.  I have found a way to have pictures of Scott in almost every (haven’t managed to put any in the bathrooms yet) room of the house.  Somehow those pictures seen to stand out more in this house – maybe because there is more space and the pictures aren’t getting lost in the clutter, maybe because there is a more conscious decision in placement of the pictures to be seen.  I finally have a way to display the flag from his funeral in a place of honor that I wasn’t able to do at the old house.  I think too about how much Scott would have enjoyed the space in this house --- space to entertain and spend time with family and friends, which was very important to Scott.

When I look back over the six months since Scott’s death (Sunday, February 10th), I see how far Jaelyn and I have come. Yet I find myself looking forward with anxiety toward Scott’s birthday next week, celebrating various family birthdays without Scott, and our 14th wedding anniversary in April.  This is just looking forward three months.   It has been a very busy, crazy past six months, with settling the estate, navigating legal issues, tackling all the paperwork to get our affairs in some semblance of order, soccer practices/games, my car accident, Hurricane Sandy, buying and renovating a new house, basketball practices/games, moving, getting over the hurdle of the first Thanksgiving and Christmas without Scott.  Somehow in the midst of all of this stress, activity and chaos, we have found time to grieve and begin healing.  We still talk about Scott on a daily basis – memories, thing he would have done, said, or found humorous.   We still find ourselves talking about Scott in the present tense, maybe because he is still with us.

Today I went to a work- related training on Trauma and Death in Child Welfare.  It was about dealing with the death of a child or their family as a caseworker and the secondary grief as a result.  However, most of the information on grief I could identify with.  I think that most grief “models” simplify things too much – there is not a progression from one stage to the next.  Looking at the grief model that was used in the training, I could identify items in all five stages that I could say that I am experiencing at this point.  I would say that I see less of the effects from the beginning stages and more from the middle stages now than three months ago, so I do think that there is a progression of sorts, but never as cut and dried as it is often made out to be.  I was concerned prior to this training that it would hit particularly hard, but since the focus was on losses in the work environment, not personal loss, I wasn’t overwhelmed with emotion.  It did give me food for thought in some areas.  One quote in particular from the information stood out to me – Relationship in memories, not in presence.  I think that this is where we are at right now.  We have found comfort in our memories and this keeps our relationship with Scott alive, in a different way, but still very much a part of our lives.

I have very much valued being a part of the Grief Share group at church through the winter weeks.  There is something so beneficial in talking with others who have experienced loss, even if their loss might look different than mine.  There are very similar emotions, but different perspectives that are helpful.  In the midst of the grief journey, when everything is still fresh, it is often difficult to get any perspective on a situation.  Where I might be offended or hurt by someone’s interaction or reaction to me, another member of the group may see it differently and explain it from their perspective that then allows me to take a step back and look at it more objectively.  I think it has been key in helping me to “deal” with people thoughtless comments or actions.  My philosophy is, “If you don’t know what to say, say that.  Don’t try to come up with something, just to have something to say because most often it will be hurtful.”  For example, I have had a few people over the past six months say to me, “At least you are young and can get married again.”   While these people meant this as a comfort, it implies that Scott was a disposable spouse easily replaced and is an insult to our marriage if I could so “easily” move on.  It would have been more of a comfort for someone simply to say, “I don’t know what to say, but can I give you a hug?” – or some variation on that.