Scott's Birthday


Scott’s birthday – where to start. . .this day was much harder than I expected.  Quite frankly it was harder than Christmas.  I have spent a lot of time today thinking about why that was.  I have come to the conclusion that at Christmas I was so busy and on the go that I didn’t have time to sit and think about Scott.  This weekend, due to Jaelyn being sick, I had plenty of time to sit and think.  There are moments that it still seems so surreal.  I still find myself going back in time in my mind, looking for signs and symptoms of heart problems that we missed, even though the coroner told me that most heart issues of this type have no signs and symptoms ahead of time.

 I anticipated being overwhelmed by emotions after getting settled as we have been so busy for a couple of months that there hasn’t been time to sit and absorb all the different thoughts and emotions.  It hit quicker than I expected, maybe in part because of being forced to be still with Jaelyn being sick this weekend.  Maybe this was God telling me to stop and be still. Even while in the car on the way to and from Target today, getting organizational items for the house, I couldn’t stop thinking about Scott.  The car seemed too quiet, the radio seemed invasive. 

This whole weekend I have felt melancholy.  I have spent a lot of time thinking about and missing Scott.  Even with Jaelyn being sick, I missed him – he wasn’t the most involved in taking care of Jaelyn when she was sick, but he did take care of the task I hate the most – cleaning up puke.  I absolutely cannot clean it up without then having to clean up my own as a result.  Fortunately both times Jaelyn puked this weekend my mom was here.  She volunteered to finish cleaning it up the first time, which I gratefully accepted.  It seems stupid to find myself missing Scott while cleaning up puke.  Yet, it is that partnership that a married couple has that each supports the other.  Scott hated to do paperwork of any kind, so I handled all the paying of the bills and other paperwork.  It is that balanced partnership of his strengths balancing out my weaknesses and vice versa – even coming down to cleaning up puke.

It was touching to see the various happy birthday and memory wishes to Scott on Facebook and prayers for Jaelyn and me during this day.  We talked about Scott a lot today.  Jaelyn picked out the photo that she wants in her “Daddy and Me” picture frame that I got her for her birthday last year.  It was neat seeing her sort through and pick out her favorite pictures of her and daddy.  We ordered a few different photos that she picked out as special photos for frames in her bedroom.  It was a good day with Jaelyn.  She was feeling well enough for the most part to be able to play and do things together.  Jaelyn commented at the end of the day that she had really enjoyed today and all the different things we did together.  Again, I think God was forcing me to slow down and be still, enjoy the time with Jaelyn, and think about Scott.

Be still.  I think this is one of the hardest things to do in this grief journey for me.  It is hard to find the times and then to want to be still when I do find the times.  Sometimes, like this weekend, God finds a way to force the stillness and then I need to be willing and open for what He has in that stillness. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"Normal"

Well,  I went back to work today and Jaelyn went back to school.  Life goes on as "normal."  I had a pretty good day at work and Jaelyn had a good first day of school.  So why am I angry?  How can life go on as normal with one of the most important people in my life gone?  I don't want normal again -- life isn't normal when your spouse dies at such a young age with no warning.  My mind and my heart want to fight against normal.  Normal makes it feel like it wasn't a big deal that Scott died and that he didn't matter, and it was and is a big deal and he did matter.  Yet life must go on.  It doesn't seem right.  I want life to just pause for a moment to acknowledge the significance of Scott's life gone, yet life goes on.  It is hard to move on, plan for the future that he was always to be a part of and now is not. I know I'm not the first person to experience grief and loss and will not be the last person.  I know that Scott is not the first signif
Read more

New Hobby -- Clay jewelry and crafts with Sculpey Clay

Image
One of my friends got me started making jewelry about 2 years ago.  I tried selling necklaces and earrings at one point early on but discovered that making money by making jewelry is not the easiest thing in the world especially since it seems like eveyone is into making jewelry.  I still enjoy making jewelry, but I am getting overloaded with necklaces.  I mean really, a person can only wear so many necklaces.  So just recently I decided to expand my jewelry making into actually making the beads and pendants themselves.  On a recent trip to Michael's, our local craft store, I discovered Sculpey clay that can be baked in a regular oven.  I bought a DVD put out by Sculpey on different processes and steps to making certain types of items, jewelry, luggage tags, picture frames, etc.  It teaches the basic techniques to obtaining certain basic looks that can be expanded on to make more elaborate pieces.  I have been experimenting with it the last couple of days and am really enjoy
Read more

Nine years

Image
August 10, 2012  — A date that will forever be etched in my memory.  A date that was the most live altering day of my life so far.  In the past nine years, we have learned to live without Scott’s physical presence in our lives, although it has been one of the hardest things I have ever done.  Something that if someone had told me beforehand was going to happen, I would have said I/we could not handle.  I have heard that God doesn’t send you anything that you can’t handle.  I would disagree with that — God doesn’t send anything that HE can’t handle.  It is only by the grace and strength of God that we have not only made it through the past nine years, but, dare I say, thrived.  That is not to deny the rough patches and how hard it truly was, but when I look at Jaelyn all I can do is thank God that He brought us BOTH through so far with grace and strength.  This past year I think has been one of the hardest of the nine and I know there will be more rough ones to come.  This past year has
Read more