Swirling Emotions


I am feeling jittery and anxious tonight.  I have been feeling more down since the Sandy Hook tragedy.  It has brought all the grief emotions flooding back into my mind.  This combined with Christmas getting closer and feeling overwhelmed with everything that needs done at the new house is causing a feeling of anxiety and of being unsettled.  I think beginning to work on the new house, while taking steps forward, those steps feel like steps away from Scott.  I know I need to move forward with my life and I am taking the steps in that direction.  I also know that I am going to have to work through the guilt many times about moving forward.  I have so much to do this week before leaving for the cabin and yet I feel like my feet are stuck in concrete. 

Just working at the house yesterday with my parents brought up many conversations about Scott.  As my mom and I were taping off the trim in the bedrooms, getting ready to paint, I wished Scott was there.  He never taped off rooms for painting.  Scott had an amazing amount of patience and skill to do the edging painting, without needing to tape it off.  It is kind of funny in that, I was usually the detail oriented person and Scott saw the big picture, yet he had the patience for the detail work and I just wanted to get it all done.  I did much better painting the open areas.  Yet, if Scott was alive, I wouldn’t be painting a new house. 

I feel like my emotions and my thoughts are so scattered tonight.  Maybe settling on the new house right before Christmas wasn’t the best thing as the house brings such mixed feelings of excited, hope, guilt, sorrow.  Then Christmas brings all the strongest grief emotions back to the forefront too.  I’m thinking that I am going to need to be facing these swirling emotions head on, but not sure what working through all of this is going to look like. 

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