Firsts in the Steps for a New Normal


While I look forward to spending time with friends, it is bittersweet.  Getting together last night with Bill, Laurie and Camry, Craig, and Bob was fun, but it was the first time that this group of friends has been together with us since Scott’s funeral.   We try to go out to eat every couple of months to celebrate birthdays or just to catch up.  The standing joke was how long it took Scott to decide what he was ordering.  It was good to see everyone and have time to talk.  A lot of time was spent talking about Scott, memories and looking at pictures.  I don’t think there was as much laughing without Scott.  His quirky sense of humor kept his friends laughing.  It feels so weird without Scott. 

Sometimes I feel mentally off balance when getting together with family and friends.  I’m still trying to find my way and my place in relationships now that my “identity” has changed and the dynamics have changed without Scott.  There is a different “flavor” and atmosphere without Scott’s presence.  Everything is changed.  It such a long process of adjusting to a “new normal.”

I talked about a “new normal” a few weeks after Scott’s death.  I think we are on our way to finding a new normal, but I find myself wondering how many years before it just feels normal, and doesn’t feel new anymore.  Jaelyn and I will need to create some new traditions, but this year my focus is on working through our emotions with each “first.”  We have faced our first trip to the cabin without Scott, Jaelyn’s first birthday without her daddy, our first Thanksgiving without Scott.  We are facing our first Christmas without Scott, his first birthday since his death, celebrating family birthdays for the first time without Scott, our first anniversary without Scott, first mother’s day and father’s day without Scott, my first birthday without Scott, and the first anniversary of his death.  I thought maybe each first might be easier as the year goes on, but I’m realizing that this probably will not be the case, some of these firsts may be more difficult than others. 

It is hard to balance moving forward and remembering Scott.  How to honor his memory without being stuck in grief or putting him up on a pedestal is often a challenge.  I find myself missing his sense of humor more and more as time goes on.  He kept me from being too serious about things and I miss that sense of balance he brought to my life. 

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