Grief Share and Advice for Those Helping the Grieving

In my Grief Share class today, the video was focused on the loss of a spouse.  I was caught off guard that I was more emotional today discussing the different things in the video than I was throughout the Christmas holidays.  Maybe it was the culmination of the emotions from the holidays and maybe I am more relaxed emotionally in this group as everyone has suffered a loss.  Most of the things discussed in the video I could relate to.  We were discussing the fact that sometimes close friends seem to draw away after the death and how painful that is.  I don’t think that I have experienced a lot of that, but I see things from a different perspective.  Because I am faced with the loss every day, I am further along in my grief journey than friends and family who do not face the loss daily.  As Scott was not part of their daily routine, it is easy to go along and not think about the loss, until they are around Jaelyn and I, then they are face to face with the loss that has not really been processed.

 I think, having lost a brother nine years ago, I am better able to understand this.  While I loved my brother dearly, I did not see him daily and he was not a part of my daily routine.  The loss of my brother hit the most when I would go to my parent’s house.  I found that his death hit me harder three or four years after his death when I was talking about him and his death with our girls at Milton Hershey School.  My level of emotions when talking about his death at that time caught me off guard since it was a few years after his death. I am coming to realize that grief and the grief journey takes on many different faces depending on the relationship with the deceased.

I truly believe that each person’s personality plays a great deal into how each person handles grief.  I have always tried to face difficult situations head-on and get through them to the other side.  I like to solve the problem and move on.  That is not easy with grief as there is no concrete way to “solve the problem.”  I am finding my way through this process, trying to figure out what works for me.  I refuse to allow myself to avoid a situation because I know it will be painful.  I know that the longer I wait to face something, the harder it will be.   Because of this outlook, I have faced some big mountains and worked through them.  I know that there will continue to be mountains ahead of me to work through, some of them will be years down the road, I am sure.  I cannot even begin to imagine the mountain that I will face when it is time for Jaelyn to get married and Scott isn’t here to walk her down the aisle.  Yet, it is a mountain that I will face when the time comes.  I try not to look ahead to some of these milestone mountains as the emotions tend to overwhelm me.  Because these are milestone mountains, there is nothing I can do to work through them now, so I try not to focus on them, but instead focus on the current mountains coming my way.

Going back to the Grief Share class today – we all come from different places in our grief journeys and have suffered different losses.  The blessing in this is we each have different perspectives on the experiences and emotions of grief.  Perspectives that I have may help someone else in the group who is looking at a situation differently.  As a grieving person, it is very easy to take other’s reactions personally when it may be an uncertainty on their part on how to react or what to say. 

  

Advice to Those Helping the Grieving:

1.        Just give a hug and allow the person to cry.  No words make it better.

2.       If you want to help, offer a few specific and concrete ways that you are willing to help with and see if the grieving person is interested in any of those options.  As a grieving person, so often I don’t know what I need or what others can do to help.   When someone mentions a few things that they might like to do to help if it would be helpful, it can bring to light things that I might not have thought about. 

3.       Remember that those who are grieving are often not thinking clearly, are having trouble concentrating, are completely overwhelmed and are having difficulty remembering.

4.       If providing meals, it is helpful if meals are provided in disposable containers.  And although most people like pasta, this is usually a go-to meal when providing for someone else.  Try to have variety, with simple, basic ingredients – being mindful of food allergies, diets, etc.

5.       Don’t forget, grief lasts a long time. While your life has gone on, the grieving family members feel as if life has stopped.   It is easy for the grieving to feel forgotten a month or two after the death.  A simple card in the mail or a quick phone call can mean so much. 

6.       If there are minor children in the house, don’t forget them.  It has meant a lot to Jaelyn to get cards in the mail for her and other expressions that people care.  It can be as simple as a card, a page of stickers, a book, or taking them to do something special (if you are close enough for the child to feel comfortable).  Don’t take it personally if the child is now shy around you or doesn’t want to leave home or their parent – their world has been rocked and the remaining parent and home are now their security.

7.       Do talk about the one who has died.  Talk about your memories of that person and what was special about them.  Yes, it is painful, but to not talk about the person feels as if they never lived and weren’t important.  It is more painful not to talk about them.  We loved them and they were important to us, their death has not changed that.

8.       Don’t overwhelm with your help.  Please be mindful of boundaries and space.  I need private time to grieve when I can let my defenses down. 

9.       Please know that everyone goes through their grief journey at a different pace.  Don’t judge on decisions that are made, efforts to enjoy life, etc.  That said, if you have a close enough relationship to the grieving person and you are concerned about how they are handling their grief, don’t hesitate to talk with that person about your concerns.  Don’t push and make sure you listen closely to what they are saying in response.

I’m sure there are many more ideas that others could share, but these are a few that have come to mind from my own experiences in my grief journey as well as ideas from experiences shared in the Grief Share class, both in discussion and in the video.