Stormy Thoughts

October 29, 2012  10:30 p.m.

 

I am tired tonight, but having trouble sleeping.  Maybe if I get some of my thoughts out on paper, I will be able to get my mind to rest so that I can get to sleep.  Jaelyn finally fell asleep.  She is sleeping with me tonight.  She thinks this is a treat – not so much for me as she is not a good bed partner.  I think the storm has her a little bit more on edge than normal too.

I’ve been thinking about Scott a lot today since I came home from work at lunchtime.  Being essentially homebound with this storm left me lots of time for thinking.   Being homebound would have driven Scott crazy.  Knowing him, he would have been in and out of the house all day exploring the storm damage.  He would have planned fun activities with us, such as playing cards by candlelight or building blanket forts.  This was life with Scott.  He had a way of taking crazy stressful times like this and turning them into fun memory making events.  I do not have even a fraction of the creativeness that he just lived on a daily basis.  I have to admit there were many times that this creativeness (at least in my mind) went a bit overboard and drove me nuts.  I felt like I had to be the one to ground Scott, to help him see the realities of the logistical difficulties of some of his dreams and his ideas.  I often struggled with balancing encouraging him to follow his dreams and getting him to see the impracticality of some of his dreams.  I couldn’t always tell the difference between the dreaming for the fun of it versus a dream that he really wanted to pursue. 

I find myself thinking a lot lately about the idea of dreaming.  Scott always tried to encourage me to dream and dream big.  My dream for the future was our family spending time together.  I always was content thinking of the future with Scott.  He never understood why I didn’t have more dreams or bigger dreams.  As simple as my dream was for the future, it won’t happen.   One of Scott’s dreams was for financial security to allow us to not have to work full-time so that we would have more time together as a family.   I wonder what his dream would be for me and Jaelyn now.  Scott’s dreams of the future were always more specific than mine.  When he dreamed he would often make lists of the necessary steps to achieve his dreams.  Scott’s dreams always included fun in the end result and fun in the steps to get there.  Oh, there was always the necessary work, but he tried to find a way to make it fun.  I wish more of that had rubbed off on me. 

I miss Scott so much and how he changed me for the better.  He definitely helped to balance out some of my stronger edges.  I definitely got better at adjusting to life’s unexpected events.  Scott was good at taking things as they come and not getting flustered or upset.  That said, if there was something that he was concerned about, he would think about it constantly and it would greatly affect his sleep.  He didn’t like being at odds with someone and I have seen times when this would eat him up inside until it could be fixed.  Scott was so at home and most comfortable when he was outside in nature – either in the woods or around/in water.  I think this is one reason that when I am missing Scott most, I am drawn to the outdoors and nature.  I find a peace there that Scott found there when he was living.