Changes and other random thoughts

I’m beginning to see some changes in this grief journey.  I see a movement away from constant sadness and tearfulness to a being caught off guard by random moments, such as a song on my ipod, seeing a husband and wife holding hands, etc.  It is a slow change, but I think for the first time I am noticing a change.  My dad mentioned to me the other day that he can see the healing happening.  It really made me stop and think about where I have come from and where I was at the moment.  I do think that for me healing comes in talking/journaling   –   talking about Scott, about my memories, about my emotions, and about all the changes.  I find myself spending more time lately thinking of ways to preserve Scott’s memories (without making a shrine to him). 

Honestly though, if I didn’t have Jaelyn to keep me going and keep me focused on the future and keeping things as normal as possible, I’m not sure I would have made the slow progress in healing that I have made.  Having Jaelyn forces me to keep my focus outward.  It is hard to withdraw and hide within myself when I have someone dependent on me for stability.  It forces me to look ahead and plan for the future when it is hard because the future doesn’t look like Scott and I had planned and dreamed.  Jaelyn’s birthday is coming up in nine days.  I want it to be as normal as possible for her.  It is tempting to want to do things or buy things for her to compensate for the loss of her daddy.  I know that nothing will compensate for the loss of her daddy.  I am planning a low-key party with just a few of her friends.   It is a constant challenge to make sure that she is continuing to grow into a sweet little girl.  The biggest challenge is understanding the difference between normal behavioral challenges for her age and behavior brought on by grief.  It is a learning process as we go.  I pray for patience daily and pray that Jaelyn has patience with me as a mother.

Our daily routine is normalizing as we become accustomed to the loss of Scott’s daily presence.  Now I am missing Scott more in the little things.  This week both my dad and I were trying to locate something at the house.  My first instinct and impulse was to pick up the phone and call Scott to see if he knew where it was.  Friday night Jaelyn and I were on the way home from Target.  We were listening to music on my ipod and our wedding song came on.  Today, standing in church singing, I saw a couple in front of me reach out and join hands as they sang.  These are the moments that hit me in the gut and bring me to tears. 

Jaelyn’s instinct is still to hibernate at home with family and friends.  It takes gentle (and sometimes not so gentle) pushing to keep her engaged in activities outside of our home – church, soccer, etc.  Jaelyn always was somewhat of a “homebody,” but now is even more so.  My tendency would be the same, but because I know that isolating myself at home is not healthy, I have pushed myself to be out and connecting with people and have found comfort in it.

I have come through a number of traumatic experiences in my life with the almost fatal and life changing accident that my brother, Jason, had when he was 18, Jason’s death at 30, and now Scott’s death at 40.  I don’t think it gets easier, but the path is somewhat familiar even though the grief is different in each situation.  I still grieve the loss of my brother, but the intense feelings of sorrow hit rarely anymore.  Grieving Scott’s death is so much more intense since my life was so intertwined with his and our future was a blend of our dreams and desires.  I still cannot picture my future without Scott in it.  The future seems so empty and endless right now without him in it.  Yet I know that as I move forward, and I must, that the future will begin to reframe itself.  I don’t want it to reframe itself as then I must face the reality that Scott is not part of the future.  Sometimes it is just easier to ignore that reality.  I think that I must grieve the loss of the future in order to be ready to reframe it.  I am grieving our current loss, but am not ready to grieve the loss of the future with Scott.