Can't Outrun Grief

So, now that life is finally starting to slow down, my emotions are starting to catch up to me.  There is such a balance between being too busy to grieve and having too much time to grieve and wallowing in it.  I have to admit I haven’t had to worry about wallowing in it, as I haven’t had enough down time to wallow or get stuck in the depths of grief.   The last two to three months have been such a whirlwind with the holidays, settling on the new house, working on getting the new house ready, and moving that I haven’t had time to really sit down and face some of my emotions.  The end result of that is that I am going through a surge in emotions in the last two to three weeks.

Yesterday I took the day off of work, simply to get myself organized and ready to do my taxes last night.  Between having a rental property, Scott’s death, and the paperwork from the business that Scott was starting at the time of his death, taxes are not a simple thing in my mind.  I was really anxious about getting them done this year because I didn’t know what to expect.  Last year we had to pay in a pretty large amount because I somehow had my deductions set wrong.  I changed my deductions last year once we realized the problem, but that combined with all the other craziness of last year, I had no idea if I would be paying in this year or getting money back.  My dad stopped in at the house yesterday when I was getting things ready and I know he was nervous about how disorganized I seemed to be.  Of course, my dad hasn’t moved in almost 39 years, so he forgets how jumbled things get in a move.  I was so pleased when things went smoothly, both my dad and the tax guy were impressed with how organized I was, and ultimately I am getting some money back this year.

I said all that, to say, the purpose of being off was getting ready for taxes, not to take time to grieve.  So needless to say I was caught off guard when grief slapped me in the face when I was at Target.  I was looking for bulletin boards and ideas for Jaelyn to have music in her room at night (I am getting tired of replacing CD players every couple of months).  I was kind of taking my time wandering through the store.  When I walked around the end of the electronic section, I almost ran into a rack of mesh basketball shorts.  I looked at them, thinking, “Those are the shorts Scott likes, maybe I should pick some up for him.”  It literally took me about 15 seconds to come to reality and then I wanted to just sit down and cry. 

I have learned at least one thing over the last couple of weeks.  If I would try to outrun grief by being busy, I would not be able to do it.  I’m grateful that I haven’t tried to do that intentionally and have tried, even through the busyness, to take time to grieve.  Grief always catches up to you.  I have found that the quiet moments, the down times, are important to the grief process, as long as I don’t stay there and find a way to work through those moments.