Grace, Strength, and Faith

I think that if there is one thing that I have learned on this grief journey it is that I am much more comfortable talking about my faith than I have been in the past.  Maybe it is because my faith is much more real and absolutely vital to me now.  When I know that I could not get through each day without the strength that God gives me and when I look back over the past year and see God’s hand all over decisions we made and things that happened prior to Scott’s death and how He has supplied every need we have had when we needed it, I see why the living and sharing of my faith comes much more naturally.   I have had many people comment on the grace and strength that I have shown in this journey and I can absolutely say that it does not come from me.  There are days when I would love to through a childish temper tantrum with God about how life isn’t fair and how could He “let” this happen.  But I cannot forget God’s sacrifices for me and I cannot forget the signs of His hands all over our lives, especially over the past year.  When I think about those things, it sweeps the legs of my anger out from under me.  I absolutely could not have gotten through the last seven months without the strength of God and my faith in God.  Faith is not trusting in what can be seen, but in trusting what I know God will do.  I know God will take care of me and provide for our every need.  In all the changes and uncertainty that Jaelyn and I have faced, God has remained certain and stable.  I cannot say that I have felt His presence every step of the way, but I know with a certainty that He was still there, still providing what I needed.  Often His presence cannot be seen or felt in the moment, but it is those moments when I look back that I see His presence so clearly stamped across our lives.  That is what I cling to in those moments when I can’t sense His presence.  The encouragement, comfort, and prayers provided by our family and friends has been timely, which I know comes from family and friends being in tune with God and following His prompting on specific words of encouragement.  I keep a basket on my table of all the cards and notes of encouragement that I have received since Scott’s death.  A glance at this overflowing basket reminds me over and over again how loved Jaelyn and I are and how loved Scott was.  I still take moments to sit down and read through the cards, letters, and notes of encouragement.