Alone and Tired

Today was one of those days where I just wanted to curl up and hibernate from the world.  I am tired of riding this roller coaster called grief.  I want to turn back time and change things so that Scott is still with us.  I don’t want to be alone.  I miss him so much.  Don’t get me wrong, I know that I’m not alone, I still have Jaelyn.  But when it seems like everywhere I look I see couples, I feel very alone.  The holiday season is a very difficult time to grieve – everywhere there are reminders of families, thinking of loved ones, etc.  I keep seeing Christmas ideas for men, which of course make me think of Scott.  Six months ago I had already planned what I was going to get Scott for Christmas this year.  This was unusual as he was not the easiest person to buy for and I usually had a hard time figuring out what to get him. 

I forced myself to go to church this morning.  I knew this was where I needed to be.  The service this morning was about families, with child dedications.  Although the sermon was about families and still applied to Jaelyn and I, it still seemed to highlight in my mind the absence of Scott.  Our new adult bible fellowship groups start next Sunday and sign-ups were today.  I signed up for the Grief Share group.  I was the first one to sign up for the class.  When I walked past the sign-up table after the service, I noticed that I was still the only one on the list.  This also made me feel very alone.

When I tucked Jaelyn into bed tonight, she got kind of goofy.  I thought she was faking crying.  Jaelyn wasn’t crying tears, but did tell me that she missed daddy.  Jaelyn told me that she missed daddy’s playing and teasing.  We talked about it feeling like he is and will be gone forever since it feels like such a long time until we will see him in heaven. 

I am tired, tired of doing “everything” on my own.  I know that I’m not really doing everything on my own.  I do have a lot of support and help, but the day to day things of parenting Jaelyn, managing the house, sorting out financial matters, and “keeping things together,” fall on my shoulders alone.   I am tired of surging and unpredictable emotions.   I feel like I’m in the middle of a storm of emotions right now.  I saw a quote today on Pinterest that really caught my attention:  “And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.  You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain.  When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in.”  I can already see how this storm is changing me, I cannot imagine how much more it will continue to change me before I make it through.  I cannot begin to imagine going through this “storm” without a belief and faith in God.  Without a belief and faith in God, death leaves one without any hope.  How much more devastating this loss would be without the hope of heaven and seeing Scott again!