Emotional Ping Pong

I’m really feeling sad and down tonight.  I feel like my thoughts are all over the place.  They keep jumping from replaying Scott’s death, to missing his companionship, to thinking about all the changes.   It is still so hard to believe that he isn’t going to walk in the back door.  It is funny that the things that use to work on my nerves the most are some of the things that I miss the most – his socks laying all over the house, papers with his scribbled notes on the table, end table, and counters, dirty dishes sitting in the living room (after he just “yelled” at Jaelyn for doing the same thing), his pile of clothing on the floor next to the bed, a dirty sink after he finished shaving.   The list could go on and on, I’m sure, since we were so different.  Yet now those things would not work on my nerves, those things would just mean that this was all just a bad nightmare that I had woken up from.  

A sudden death such as Scott’s is just so hard to comprehend and I think even harder to seem reality. There was no preparation as we didn’t know that he had coronary artery disease, no thought that this might or could happen.   I’m glad he didn’t suffer, but I wish we would have had a chance to say some last meaningful words to each other.   We never talked about what life might look like for either of us if one of us died.   At our age, it isn’t something you usually talk about or want to talk about.  Yet, how I wish we had.  I find myself wondering frequently what he would think about some of the decisions I’ve had to make.  I wish I had his advice and perspective on things all the time.  I still want to call him, just to talk, like we use to do on our breaks at work, or exchange short (or long) text messages.