Reality of Grief

I have to start by talking up Buse Funeral Home and Donna Buse in particular.  My family has used Buse Funeral Home in the past when we planned my brother’s funeral and various other extended family members have used Buse Funeral Home as well.  I always had a lot of respect for them, for their professionalism, their compassion and sensitivity, and the overall work that they do.  I have to say that my respect and appreciation for them has increased exponentially since Scott’s death.  You may wonder why I am talking about this today, three months after Scott’s death.  Today Jaelyn and I both received mail from Donna Buse and Buse Funeral Home.  Buse Funeral Home sends out little booklets on grieving periodically during the year following the death.  Today I received my second booklet and I will talk about that a little bit, but first wanted to talk about what Jaelyn received from Donna Buse.  When I received my first booklet, Jaelyn received a card from Donna with a $5 gift card to Turkey Hill for Jaelyn to use for slushies.  Donna remembered a conversation that we had before the funeral about Scott and Jaelyn’s daily slushy trips to Turkey Hill.  Today Jaelyn received another card from Donna with another gift card to Turkey Hill for Jaelyn to use for slushies – this one was for $15.  I know that this is not something that Donna probably does very often, but it means so much to Jaelyn and to me that she remembers and honors something that was so special to Jaelyn and Scott.  It brought tears to my eyes when Jaelyn opened the card and especially to see the value of the gift card.

It was kind of weird reading the booklet on grief, as a lot of what it talks about, I have talked about in recent posts.  I often feel like I am repeating myself in my posts, talking about the same emotions and feelings over and over.  I must talk about Scott, his life, and his death and often feel like I am repeating myself over and over again.  There were a few sentences in this booklet that were like a light bulb going on and explained clearly why I feel the need to do this.  “There are certain thoughts, feelings, and pains about this loss that you must talk about.  You cannot just say them to yourself.  You cannot just say them once.  Grief must be talked to death.” 

“Grief builds inside.  It is like a balloon gradually filling with air and then, suddenly, exploding.  Pressure builds within us.  Feelings get to the point of overwhelming inside.  Thoughts stack up in our minds.  Pain intensifies and we begin to feel like we are going to explode.  Then someone simply listens as we talk and release comes.“   I am grateful at this point that I have only reached that explosion point once in this grief journey.  I am much more aware of the pressure building since then and use these posts as my way of “talking” and releasing those building emotions.  This is not to say that I don’t have mini-explosions.  Those do occur and probably are reflected in my posts.  I think in looking back over the posts that I can see the ebb and flow of my emotions as they build up and release, build up and release again.

“Grief is a process of ‘experiencing through’ until the pain is worn down and can be faced as a normal part of living.”

It has been so important for me to talk about Scott and our memories.  It has been just as important to hear stories about other people’s memories about Scott.  “Telling the stories is not only healing for you, it keeps the person alive in the family.  No one is dead until they are forgotten.“   I don’t want Scott to be forgotten.  I want to remember him, his love, and his impact on my life. I want Jaelyn to remember her daddy, his love for her, and his impact on her life.  I know from the many stories that have been shared with me to this point that Scott had a big impact on many people’s lives.  My prayer is that my life impacts as many people as his has. 

The excerpts in this post come from a booklet entitled, “The Reality of Grief” by Doug Manning from his Continuing Care Series – Book 2.