Anniversary Letter

Scott,

My heart is just breaking today.  Today would have been our 14^th wedding anniversary.  We should have been planning a celebration.  Instead I’m visiting your grave.  While I am beyond grateful for the thirteen years that we had, today I’m struggling with the unfairness of it all.  It feels like our lives are not complete without you.  We were supposed to grow old together and spoil our grandchildren together.  You were supposed to be here to chase all the wrong guys away from Jaelyn and walk her down the aisle when that right guy comes along.  Your life ended way too soon and while I know I will see you again one day – that day feels like an eternity away. 

There are so many little things that bring you to mind, a smile to my face, and tears to my eyes every day.  We are learning to move forward without you, but there are days that I don’t want to move forward.  It hurts to move forward without you. 

It breaks my heart to see Jaelyn craving the male attention that she got from you.  I am so proud of the husband and father you were to Jaelyn and me.  No one can every fill that spot in our hearts where we hold you and our memories close.

I know that you would be so proud of the amazing young woman Jaelyn is continuing to become – her generous compassionate heart, her spiritual growth, and the strength and grace with which she is handling your loss.  She still speaks of you in present tense, for you are not really gone, you are simply in heaven.  I have learned so much in this grief journey from Jaelyn, the simplicity of her faith, and her eternal life view.

Our lives have changed so much since your death and we are moving forward.  I am grateful and thankful for your future planning that is taking care of us now.  Sitting here, looking back over our years together, there are so many things I wish I had done differently.  I wish I had shown my love, affection, and thankfulness for you so much more than I did.  I wish I had spent more time having fun with you and less time worrying about the things that “needed” to be done.  You truly were my best friend and sole mate, even though I didn’t do a great job of communicating that with you.

I love you and I miss you so much.  I would give everything up in a heartbeat to turn back time and have you by my side.  That isn’t possible and I know that you are in a better place.  My heart breaks for the loss to Jaelyn and I, our families, and our friends.  You were very much loved by everyone.  Thirteen years was not enough time with you.

I remember all the fun times we had – and we had a lot.  I remember all the unplanned “detours” that occurred almost every time we planned something.  Living with you taught me to go with the flow and not sweat the small things.  This has helped me to take things in stride and face your loss.  I have been able to take things one day at a time and to simply shrug my shoulders over the uncontrollable “detours.”  You were always my biggest supporter and encourager.  You always believed that I could do anything I wanted to do.  You were not perfect and neither am I.  That is what made our life together so interesting.

Jaelyn talks about you all the time; memories, things you taught her, and reminiscing about your way of doing things or thinking about things.  She still gets her slushies, although not once or twice a day like you did with her.  You may not be with us physically, but you are with us daily in our thoughts, memories, and hearts.  We love you so much!