Lori's Rambling

Today was the presentation of the second annual Scott Bradley Memorial Scholarship Award.  I'm thankful for the chance to honor Scott's memory and his legacy, especially by investing in our youth.  Scott always enjoyed working with the youth and it is very fitting that his memory is honored in this way. The winner of the 2015 Scott Bradley Memorial Scholarship Award is Mikayla Ragsdale. As with last year's presentation, I again had an opportunity to share a few words that God laid on my heart with the graduating seniors and the rest of the congregation.  I have included here what I shared this morning. When Pastor Ken talked a few weeks ago during the community series about picturing worst case scenario and asking God what then, I realized that I have faced worst case scenario.   The hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life was tell my then seven year old daughter that her father had died and was in heaven with her Uncle Jason.  Then an e...

Over the last couple of months I have been using a devotional that goes through each of the Psalms, Proverbs, and Ecclesiastes in a year’s time – My Daily Scripture Devotional, God’s Wisdom for Today.  The Psalms have really met me where I am emotionally and have comforted and encouraged me. Tonight I was reading Psalm 31.  There were a few verses that caught my attention as being such a clear cry from a grieving heart. “I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul, and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy; you have set my feet in a broad place.  Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eye is wasted from grief; my soul and my body also.” – Psalm 31:7-9 The author of the devotional for this chapter, Trevor Barton of Hawk Creek Church in London, Kentucky, shared, “When this is our reality, we can’t fix it or undo it.  In that moment the only thing to d...

Even though it has been two and a half years since Scott’s death, I am still sorting through his things little by little.  I have to say, by far the hardest things to sort through are all of his papers.  Seeing his handwriting is enough to bring all the emotions surging back to the surface.  For those who knew Scott well, you know that he wrote notes to himself on anything and everything he could find – empty envelopes, on the back of bills, edges of newspapers, etc.  He had a notoriously poor memory due to attention deficit disorder, thus the need to write everything down.  It is a painstaking process to read each and every piece of paper to make sure that I am not throwing away a gem of truth, a word of wisdom, or a funny story.  There are many notebooks of dreams and goals – and the research that went with them, notebooks of Bible study and spiritual truth, papers of names, addresses, etc.  Sometimes all mixed together in one notebook.  It is ...

      Today was my Grandma Herr's funeral.  To be honest, I was dreading it.  Funerals have become extremely difficult since Scott's funeral.  Before the service began I had a chance to chat with my uncle about the healing I have seen in Jaelyn, as well as myself.  It is not an easy thing to talk about this as the tears come so easily still, especially when my emotions are so close to the surface.       I shared with my uncle that one thing I have begun to realize over the last couple of weeks is that as I have seen the significant healing in Jaelyn, I almost feel as if my grieving is just beginning.  This certainly isn't completely true, but there has been such a huge part of me tune into and focused on Jaelyn and helping her to grieve and heal that there is a part of my grieving that hasn't begun until now.  I think that putting that into words today for the first time was a huge first step.  I have been pretty deliber...

I’m not sure how to put into words the thankfulness that I feel this Christmas.  I know, it is Christmas, not Thanksgiving, but I have many things to be thankful for, especially this year.  There were many moments this Christmas that I just wanted to sit down and cry.  The difference this year is that those moments were not primarily brought on by missing Scott.  No, this year those tearful moments were brought on by witnessing the immense healing that Jaelyn has gone through.  Jaelyn was extremely excited for Christmas this year – playing Christmas music constantly – her ipod was never far from her.  It would have driven Scott crazy.  He was never a big fan of Christmas music, but tolerated it when I played it.  I love Christmas music, but tried to respect his feelings by not playing it constantly.  Jaelyn played it so constantly that I was actually getting a little bit tired of it.  I was amazed that one of her favorite Christmas ...

So, this is our third Christmas since Scott’s death.  I thought that each year would get easier.  In so many ways it is the opposite.  I didn’t expect it to be harder.  I still see things and think, “oh, Scott would like that” or “oh, that would be a good gift idea for Scott.”  I still avoid the men’s departments in stores as I cannot walk through or past them without thinking about clothing he would like or would have needed.  Scott rarely felt the need to buy clothing for himself.  I bought most of his clothing just so I wasn’t embarrassed by the condition of his clothing.  (He lived in t-shirts and shorts anywhere he could get away with it, and even some places that it wasn’t quite socially appropriate.) The holidays bring a heightened sense of loss as everything is about family and thinking of or doing things with your loved ones. I think of my aunt, who is facing her first Christmas since my uncle’s death right after Christmas last yea...

I belong to a private Facebook group for widows/widowers with young (pre-teen) children.  There are men and women who are only a few days into their journey to those who are ten + years into their journey.  There are times when things are shared that stop me in my tracks and make me assess my own journey and perspective on things.  There were some things shared this week (I cannot share details due to the confidentiality of the group) that caused me to think about my perspective on Jaelyn and the effect of her daddy's death on her life.  I don't want her to grow up seeing herself as different and somehow damaged due to losing her dad.  I want her to see the strength and faith that she has gained due to working through and understanding her grief.  I don't want her to go through life with a "pity me" attitude because her daddy died.  I want her to focus on who/what she still has -- mom, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends who all lo...