HE IS NOT HERE


I was reading a post from a grief blog tonight that really summed up a lot of the thinking I have had since Scott’s death.  I often hear people say that they can’t understand why Scott had to die so young and they wish they had the answers.  I also cannot understand why Scott had to die so young, but I have not continually asked that question.  Having the answer would not change the fact that he is gone and having the answer would not take the pain away.  I have inserted a section of the blog post that I read because I think it so clearly explains what my grief journey looks and feels like.

A woman I have walked with following the murder of her daughter made one of the most profound statements about grief I have ever heard. She was telling me about all the answers and advice she was being bombarded with; How someone seemed to send her some spiritual inspiration almost every day and how they made great effort to explain and reassure her about the wellbeing of her daughter. She said, "They don't understand. The bottom line is not why she died or where she is today. The bottom line is SHE IS NOT HERE. I don't need answers, I need to learn how to live with her not being here. Am I glad she is in heaven? Certainly. But I still must look at an empty bedroom and live with a chunk bitten out of my heart. Am I mad at God? Sometimes, but getting that worked out does not let me hear her singing in the shower. Do I understand why bad things happen to good people? A little bit, but I don't get to hug her when she is upset or go walking with her at sunset. Grief is all about her not being here and me learning to feel her presence anyway."

"I don't need answers. I need someone who will be comfortable talking with me about who she was and what she meant. I need friends who also miss her and tell me they do. I need safe people who will not panic when I am still having bad days this long after she was taken from me. I need people who will simply understand the bottom line of grief is SHE IS NOT HERE."

http://www.thecarecommunity.com/GriefSafePlace/DougsBlog/tabid/63/mid/385/newsid385/99/Default.aspx  -- this is the web address for the rest of the blog that this excerpt was taken from.

While I know that for others, their grief journey may look completely different from mine and that does not make it wrong, it simply makes it their journey.  For me, it feels like a waste of time to focus on why this happened or be angry at God.  Do I get angry?  Most definitely I get angry at the injustice of his short life, that Jaelyn will live most of her life without her father, and that I cannot share the rest of my life with him.  I try to turn that anger into honoring what was important to Scott and preserving memories of him for Jaelyn, myself, our friends, and our family.   I do not get angry at God, I cling to Him.  I do not think that I would have the strength to face each day without Scott here, without the strength and comfort that I draw from God, my family, and my friends

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