Christmas at the Cabin

Sunday, December 23, 2012           10:00 p.m.

We are at the cabin to celebrate Christmas with my parents.  This was something that we had planned before Scott’s death, but the change in tradition is helping to ease us through the holidays.  It has been cold and extremely windy, so we were cooped up in the cabin all day Saturday, except when we went to Wellsboro for ice cream.  We chose to open our gifts Friday evening after Jaelyn and I arrived at the cabin, so that Jaelyn could use her Christmas gifts the rest of the weekend.  This worked out particularly well given the weather forecast and spending most of the day Saturday inside.  We have spent a lot of time talking about Scott and memories of times with Scott at the cabin and during the holiday season.  Jaelyn is doing better this time at the cabin, even though she didn’t have a great day on Saturday with her attitude.  I think some of it was from being cooped up inside and part of it grief related. 

This morning Jaelyn and I drove into Mansfield to the Walmart to get some embroidery thread for refills for one of her crafty Christmas gifts.  Afterwards we decided to drive down to Slate Run to see if we could get some ice cream and pick up one last Christmas present.  They had put the ice cream away for the winter, so Jaelyn was extremely disappointed.  On our way back to camp, as we were driving down windy, narrow, country roads, I looked in front of the car and there was a bobcat standing on the road.  It ran down the road in front of us for a short distance, before crossing the road in front of us and running up the mountain on the other side of the road.  I was so excited as I had never seen a bobcat in the wild before and neither had Jaelyn.  It was particularly funny to us as my parents have been up at the cabin since Wednesday trapping for bobcats and hadn’t caught any yet.  After telling my parents about it when we got back to the cabin, we found out that they had traps set pretty close to where we saw the bobcat.  I think my dad was jealous! 

We finally got to go for a walk this afternoon, after the wind died down and the temperatures got into the upper thirties.  We walked down to Rattlesnake Rock, which was Scott’s favorite place to swim when we were up in warmer weather.  The dogs really enjoyed the walk, as did Jaelyn despite complaining ahead of time about not wanting to go for a walk.  Trip even ventured into the water, retrieving sticks that Jaelyn threw for her.  After dinner Jaelyn decided she wanted to go spotting deer.  This isn’t the best time of year to spot for deer, but since we have kind of made a tradition out of spotting deer with Jaelyn every time we come up, we went deer spotting.  We figured we were doing good when we saw five deer and three rabbits.  I think Jaelyn likes to go spotting as an excuse to take a “goody” bag of snacks along to eat!  Of course we talked about different and unusual animals to see while spotting that we had seen in previous years with Scott, such as a black bear and porcupines.

Tomorrow (Christmas Eve) we head to Shippensburg to spend a few days with Scott’s side of the family.  I am looking forward to it with mixed emotions as I think Scott’s absence will feel even stronger during Christmas with his family.  Jaelyn is looking forward to spending Christmas at Aunt Dee and Uncle Fernando’s house, especially to spending Christmas with her cousin, Emma.  Being away from home on Christmas day is also a break from our regular traditions.  I felt that a complete change from our normal Christmas traditions would help ease us through the first holidays without Scott.  Next year my plan is to celebrate Christmas in the new house and everyone else can come to us!

After Christmas, the work on the house really begins.  The backyard was fenced in last week, the air conditioning and heat pump are being installed this week.  The folks from Home Improvement will be coming this week to measure for the flooring and adding cabinets and replacing/adding countertops.  And of course the painting and cleaning begin.  I am excited about all the changes to the house, although overwhelmed by all I want to get done.  I wish Scott was here to share in the excitement and the planning.  I have many special pictures and memories of Scott to put up in the new house, so I won’t feel like we are leaving him behind when we move.

I’m really missing Scott a lot this weekend.  Friday before leaving for the cabin, I took flowers to the cemetery to put on Scott’s grave.  This was the first time in a while that I had been to the cemetery and I found myself crying as I drove in the driveway as the reality hit again that I was going there to visit my husband’s grave.  Our day-to-day life has become so routine, just Jaelyn and I, that it doesn’t hit every moment of every day anymore.  There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about Scott, miss him, and grieve his loss.  But it isn’t every moment of every day anymore.  Life goes on and I must move forward for Jaelyn.  She gives me a reason to move forward and find a way to grieve our loss.  The tough days with Jaelyn’s behaviors and attitudes are often the days I struggle the most with the loss.  The loss hits the hardest when I am at my lowest point emotionally, whatever the reason – whether frustration with Jaelyn’s behavior, sadness over recent public events, discouragement/frustration at work, etc.  When things are going well, it is much easier to take the pain, loss, and grief “in stride.” 

The moments when the grief hits, now are usually during my alone and quiet times.  Often times when I am driving or sitting in the living room after Jaelyn has gone to bed, my thoughts turn to Scott and wishing he were here with me.  I have grown somewhat accustomed to sleeping alone at home, although I had great difficulties sleeping without his body there to keep me warm.  However, here at the cabin, it still feels really weird and odd to be sleeping alone.   I still have a hard time imagining life without Scott, yet I am moving forward and planning things without Scott – it is kind of a weird place to be.