Lori's Rambling

I am grateful for the messages of encouragement either by snail mail or email that always seem to come at the times when I need them the most.   I am amazed sometimes where those words of encouragement come from – some from people I have never met or only met once or twice, from extended family, friends of friends, and friends of either the Bradley/Nottingham family or the Herr/Allison family.   I cannot begin to express how much these words mean to me.   Jaelyn has enjoyed receiving encouraging mail from our funeral director, Donna Buse, as well as special adults in her life. I have saved every card that I have received since Scott’s death, and printed many of the messages received on email or Facebook.   These messages are so precious to me and I do go back and re-read them from time to time.   I find that often I find words that speak to where I am emotionally at that particular moment, even though I may have received them a few months ago.   Word...

There are still so many moments when this still doesn’t feel real.   I still expect Scott to walk through the door.   It is hard to comprehend almost four months later.   I can’t believe Scott is gone and our lives changed completely in literally a blink of an eye, without warning.   Thirteen and a half years of marriage is not enough. I think about Jaelyn and what a massive loss this is for her.   I cannot imagine who I would be without my dad and his influence on my life growing up.   I cannot begin to comprehend how this huge a loss at such a young age has and will change Jaelyn as she grows up without Scott.   I am beyond thankful and grateful that she had such a wonderful father who loved her so much and spent so much time with her.   I am amazed at how “normal” Jaelyn is despite everything.   She definitely grieves and misses her daddy, but she doesn’t allow it to keep her from connecting with people or having fun.   I am th...

Today was one of those days where I just wanted to curl up and hibernate from the world.   I am tired of riding this roller coaster called grief.   I want to turn back time and change things so that Scott is still with us.   I don’t want to be alone.   I miss him so much.   Don’t get me wrong, I know that I’m not alone, I still have Jaelyn.   But when it seems like everywhere I look I see couples, I feel very alone.   The holiday season is a very difficult time to grieve – everywhere there are reminders of families, thinking of loved ones, etc.   I keep seeing Christmas ideas for men, which of course make me think of Scott.   Six months ago I had already planned what I was going to get Scott for Christmas this year.   This was unusual as he was not the easiest person to buy for and I usually had a hard time figuring out what to get him.   I forced myself to go to church this morning.   I knew this was where I needed to b...

Someone is missing. Wednesday night I decided to get out the Christmas tree and the Christmas decorations, since I knew that our weekend was going to be busy.   When I went searching for the boxes in the garage, I couldn’t find them at first.   Then I found one large plastic storage bin, on the top of the highest shelf.   I found a ladder and climbed up to get it down.   Within seconds, the bin slipped out of my hands and fell on my head.   I managed to get the bin down to the floor.   I located the other bin in another part of the garage on top of some kitchen cupboards installed on the wall for storage – had to stand on the countertop to reach that bin.   I wanted to just sit down and cry.   Scott was always the one to bring the Christmas decorations into the house from the garage and put them away once I was done decorating.   He never liked to help with the decorating, but he certainly made things much easier for me.   ...

While this has been a life changing and incredibly difficult year, I still have many, many things to be thankful for.   I am beyond thankful for the incredible love and support from my parents, Scott’s parents, Scott’s sisters, and our extended families.   I’m not sure how Jaelyn and I would have gotten through the last couple of months without our family and friends.   So many people have prayed for us, provided meals, sent cards, shared words of encouragement, shared listening ears, helped with lawn care, etc.   We have truly felt so cared for.   I am thankful for the love, support and prayers from our church family.   At times I have been in awe of the strength that God has given us in this difficult time.   I know that the prayers that have been and continue to go up on our behalf is where that strength has come from.   The words or cards of encouragement always seem to come at the moments when I need them the most and give me the stren...

Some days feel so “normal.”   We are so busy getting through our day, especially during the week with school and work.   Then reality hits.   Scott isn’t coming home.   No sweet or normal texts throughout the day when I’m at work or in the evening when he was at work.   No normal, ordinary conversations snatched at break times or while driving.   No wake up kisses when he would get home after working second shift.   No warm body to warm my cold feet on at night.   When reality hits, it is accompanied by a sick feeling in the stomach – you know the feeling when something bad is happening and there isn’t anything you can do about it.   I remember in the days after Scott’s death, the nausea and loss of appetite.   That same sick feeling still hits from time to time.   Now when reality hits, most times it feels like sadness and of being unsettled.   I think the unsettled feeling comes from a hesitancy to really want to plan ...

I’m really feeling sad and down tonight.   I feel like my thoughts are all over the place.   They keep jumping from replaying Scott’s death, to missing his companionship, to thinking about all the changes.    It is still so hard to believe that he isn’t going to walk in the back door.   It is funny that the things that use to work on my nerves the most are some of the things that I miss the most – his socks laying all over the house, papers with his scribbled notes on the table, end table, and counters, dirty dishes sitting in the living room (after he just “yelled” at Jaelyn for doing the same thing), his pile of clothing on the floor next to the bed, a dirty sink after he finished shaving.    The list could go on and on, I’m sure, since we were so different.   Yet now those things would not work on my nerves, those things would just mean that this was all just a bad nightmare that I had woken up from.    A sudden death such as S...

I have to start by talking up Buse Funeral Home and Donna Buse in particular.   My family has used Buse Funeral Home in the past when we planned my brother’s funeral and various other extended family members have used Buse Funeral Home as well.   I always had a lot of respect for them, for their professionalism, their compassion and sensitivity, and the overall work that they do.   I have to say that my respect and appreciation for them has increased exponentially since Scott’s death.   You may wonder why I am talking about this today, three months after Scott’s death.   Today Jaelyn and I both received mail from Donna Buse and Buse Funeral Home.   Buse Funeral Home sends out little booklets on grieving periodically during the year following the death.   Today I received my second booklet and I will talk about that a little bit, but first wanted to talk about what Jaelyn received from Donna Buse.   When I received my first booklet, Jaelyn rece...

Today I put in my leave slip to have off work for the week of Christmas.   I have gotten a few Christmas presents.   These are things that I usually look forward to and enjoy doing.    This year there is no joy in planning for Christmas.   Usually I try to have all my Christmas shopping done by Thanksgiving as I hate fighting the crowds between Thanksgiving and Christmas.   This is why I am already thinking about Christmas.   Maybe that is why I have felt down and just “blah” lately.   I don’t want to think about Thanksgiving and Christmas without Scott.   I just want to avoid the pain, but that isn’t possible.    Usually I look forward to hearing the Christmas music on the radio nonstop.   Scott use to complain about the nonstop Christmas music.   He would get sick of it quickly.   I loved it, I think since it was only for a short time.   This year, every time I hear Christmas music in the stores or rando...

Not an easy day today.   Sitting in church looking around when the veterans were asked to stand made me miss Scott.   Although Scott was a veteran, I think that he was always somewhat embarrassed to stand up and be recognized as a veteran.   I’m not sure he really considered himself a veteran since he wasn’t on the front lines or outside of our country when he was activated during Desert Storm.   He used to joke that the worst war injury he received was a paper cut.   Scott was in a finance division that was stationed in Georgia during the war.   In my mind, any person voluntarily serving in the military should be held in very high regard, as in today’s world there is a very good chance of serving overseas in a war zone.   These men and women put their lives on the line in order to preserve our lives, our way of life, and to fight for freedom around the world.   I respect Scott’s decision to enter the military after high school.   I’m sur...

There are days when I am exhausted and want to say I am done with this grief thing, I am done with being a single mom, I am done with being a widow.   This never happened, it is all a bad dream and I am ready to wake up now, this is dragging out too long.   But I don’t have that option.   There are times at work that it makes me angry to see absentee fathers by their choice when I know that if Scott was given the choice, he would be here for Jaelyn right now. These are my “pity me” moments.   Thankfully they are not frequent.   I have to remind myself that I am not the only one who has ever lost a spouse at a young age and I am not the only one who has to parent alone.   I remind myself that there are many people in this world worse off than we are.   Sometimes it takes time to pull myself out of these pits. I am feeling pretty emotional tonight, really missing Scott, but even more I am angry and grieving for Jaelyn for what she has lost.  ...

I woke up this morning to the echoing sound of my name being called.   I lay there for a minute listening, trying to figure out if it was a dream or reality.   My mind and emotions rushed back in time to Scott’s death – being awakened at 3 a.m. by my sister-in-law calling my name to wake me up to tell me about Scott.   The sense of shock and disbelief that I felt that morning hung over me all day.   I had a hard time shaking the memory and feelings today.   During quiet moments I found my thoughts being drawn back to that morning.   I think that morning will forever haunt my thoughts.   There is still such a sense of unreality when I think about Scott being gone.    I have been thinking about Scott a lot recently with the election.   Scott had very definite ideas about what he believed and was very passionate about politics.   He enjoyed researching the different point of views, discussing his thoughts and ideas, and arguing ...

I have been reading from “Confessions of a Grieving Christian” by Zig Ziglar.    There was one section that really stood out to me --   “How much more meaningful any life experience is, and what joy and comfort it gives to the human heart, when we choose to see the miraculous in all things.   Every minute of life, every experience, has a touch of the miraculous in it.     We are wise to look for it, acknowledge it, and rejoice in it because the miraculous is evident even in losing a loved one.” This made me think back over the past year as I have done lots of times since Scott’s death.   Even though God did not prevent Scott’s death, He definitely prepared things to help me handle things as smoothly as possible and to take care of Jaelyn and I.   ·          Scott and I agonized over the best investment of the money from the sale of a house in 2010.   We decided in April of this year that ...

I never realized how challenging it would be from a legal and paperwork aspect with the death of a spouse.   Just when I think I have thought of everything, something unusual or forgotten pops up.   Today I was signing paperwork for my “new” car.   Although I have been at the notary’s office frequently over the past two weeks to transfer titles on various vehicles (car, scooter, trailer, etc.) and am well aware of exactly what paperwork is necessary to accomplish these tasks, I was caught off guard with it coming up today with buying a vehicle.   Because the license plate was in both of our names, it was unclear exactly what paperwork was necessary to address this issue.   The dealer contacted Penndot and it took about fifteen minutes for Penndot to research the details.   Apparently it is unusual to transfer tags without also transferring a title, which is what I was doing due to the van being totaled.   Ultimately it was determined that I needed ...

It seems appropriate that on the first day of November that I would be thinking about the things that I am thankful for.   It is sad that it often takes major tragedies or significant negative life events to shift focus to thankfulness for what we have.   Yet so often we forget that things could almost always be worse than what we are experiencing. ·          I am thankful that despite a serious car accident yesterday that I am relatively uninjured (sore and bruised only). ·          I am thankful that Jaelyn was not with me when the accident occurred. ·          I am thankful for supportive and loving parents who will drop anything to help me if I need it. ·          I am thankful for my wonderful daughter, who was quick to take care of me the last two days as I recover from the car accident. · ...